I don’t want to remember…..and he sure as hell isn’t letting me forget.
It’s that anniversary time again….yesterday was 4 years since I cheated.
Feeling weird. I cannot believe it has been that long, and yet it still seems just like yesterday, especially when hubby keeps bringing it up, talking about shit for half the night when I’m trying to sleep and bringing me down with it again.
I don’t WANT to talk about it. I don’t want to always remember. It still hurts me that I was ghosted by J. That I thought I had all these feelings that turned out to be nothing but lies. That I was pregnant. That I was so fucked up mentally that I said some really really horrible things. Things that make me cringe when I think about it.
It’s been a long hard road since that time 4 years ago. I’ve been to hell and back many times.
So how am I doing right now?
We went to the Disturbed concert on Friday night in Auckland with a friend. It was such an awesome day, just spending time wandering around Auckland and having dinner there, having a good chat etc and then the concert was just so fucking awesome!!! I want to do it all over again!
But….since I had been really looking forward to it for months, it has been the one thing that has kept me going. After it was all over, on Saturday I actually felt pain. Like that was it, gone, the one thing I’d been holding on for and now what’s left? Didn’t help that on Saturday we had been discussing the possibility of me going with a friend to Queenstown next year to do a half marathon and have a girls weekend. So Saturday night, once again was spent with hubby talking for hours while I was trying to sleep, bringing up all the cheating shit once again, saying that he doesn’t want me to go on the trip because he can’t trust me etc etc, and that it’s my own fault anyway, that I brought it on myself. Totally ruined my good mood that I was in after the concert. I want that feeling back.
I get it. It was a really really really shitty thing I did to him but does this really have to be how my whole life is going to go from now on? Not being able to go and do anything I want to without him chaperoning because he thinks I’m going to cheat again?! This is just so shit. And his way of controlling me once again. The only time I basically get to go out by myself is to work, or to get groceries, or that one girls night we had. The rest of the time he always comes along, whether it be the beach or to my parents etc. Obviously he is NEVER going to get over it.
So needless to say I spent the rest of Saturday night curled into a ball of pain while trying to sleep. This is never going to stop is it. I’m never going to be allowed to do anything. Never going to be allowed to forget what I did.
Please…let me forget. My brain already won’t let it go and keeps fucking with me, but I don’t need it from him as well.
I have not been thinking good thoughts lately. Scratched up my arm again the other day because I just couldn’t take how I was feeling anymore.
why the fuck did I ever get myself into this mess in the first place