Relapse?

Written 27th November 2018, not published until now.

This time of the year always seems hard. Christmas is coming and there’s the stress of that with presents and family stuff. There’s the end of the year blues where you are just SO SICK of work that you just don’t want to get up anymore and go, but you know you have to because you need the money. I’m stuck in that rut right now. I friggen hate work but have to go. If I didn’t need the money, I would up and leave this minute.

This time of the year is also hard for me because of what happened with hubby and J. 6 years ago. Jeez. I can’t believe it was that long ago now. I never heard from him again. I saw on his instagram that he got married again. TBH I don’t even care. I wish I could just forget he ever existed because I’m sick of thinking about it all, sick of hearing certain songs on the radio that make me think of him, that brings all the memories right back to the surface again.  Not just memories of him, but also how hubby & I were around that time. All the shitty things we did and said to each other. I hadn’t mentioned this on here at all, but I found out long after the fact that when I got pregnant, it actually could have been hubby’s as well. He decided to be a jerk and poke a needle in all our condoms to get revenge. WTF right?! now that was a bombshell that fucked with my head. That’s the kinda thing that psycho control freak people do. Dare I say abusers.

I can’t get over it all and probably never will, and I know he won’t either. I just don’t know if we are stupid to try and stay with each other and make this marriage work when it is just SO HARD all the time. I’m sure it’s not meant to be this hard. But hey, I’m sick of second guessing everything I do in life.

I’ve been struggling a bit these past couple of weeks. I’m super irritable. Snapping at everything and yelling like crazy. Tearful. Exhausted. and it’s not even PMS! (unless it’s midcycle PMS). Apologising to my daughter for the shitty things I’ve been saying to her. I feel like such a horrible mum. She’s just constantly pushing my buttons though and I can’t handle it at all and just snap at her. Instant rage. Fucking horrible. I can’t seem to control myself though! Do you know how hard it is not to yell at your boss when they are pissing you off?! I’ve been feeling that horrible aching feeling again too in my hands etc, I actually had to bite down on my hand the other day to get it to try and stop aching (sounds weird i know but it did help). I haven’t been sleeping well either.  It’s the going to sleep that’s hard, I find myself overthinking things and not being able to drift off, or else I start having bad dreams and then waking up in the middle of the night tossing and turning.

I’ve been off the AD’s now for about 4 months and I’ve been feeling really great for the most part. But this latest couple of weeks has me feeling a bit on edge. Is it a relapse?? Or am I just in a bad mood? I know I don’t want to go back on AD’s again unless I really have to, so I’m going to try and up my exercise and try and do more fun things for myself for a few weeks and see if that helps. I haven’t gone back on my 30 plus pills either as we haven’t had the money, and TBH I’ve been enjoying not having to remember to take pills! The only thing I’ve been taking has been fish oil tablets when I remember. I think I might have to start going back on them though, even if it’s only to try and stop all this horrible breakout that has come up since I went off my AD’s. Still suffering from that! I haven’t even been taking my iron pills which I need to as I think that might be part of the reason that I’ve been so exhausted. I hate the side effects from them though.

Our budget went to shit again too so we haven’t had much money lately which is not helping a lot. Hubby’s been a pain in the ass with eating lately ever since he got sick, only wants salad and nothing that I make basically, so am having to find something for me & my daughter to eat and have him separate.

I’m really hanging out for the holidays. I just can’t wait to not have to go to work for 2 whole weeks. Every day lately I’ve been tempted to just call in “sick” as I just can’t face going.

That’s the other thing too. I’ve been having “issues” with my boss for awhile now. This sounds really stupid because I’m sure if it was anyone else having these issues they would just either say something, or else quit. I don’t feel like i can do either. But I am looking for a new job, it has to be the right one though for me to actually leave. I wish my sewing could make me enough money to just leave because I would love that. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with stupid ass people. I hate people.

So what are my issues with him you ask? Well it’s been going on a long time now. A good couple of years. On and off, not all the time thankfully. It’s unwanted touching. Of my head, shoulders, neck and occasionally waist. It’s the sitting me down on his lap when I have to go to his office to help him with something. Coming out and massaging my neck while I’m working. Putting his hands either side of my waist to move me across when I’m standing at the photocopier (surely an “excuse me” would suffice!!). The occasional hand on the bum. Or the other day arm around my waist and a hand beside my breast. Coupled with the odd random remark about what I’m wearing or something else, makes me very uncomfortable. I just feel icky. But because I’m such a doormat, I just let him. I have never said anything. I just try and get away as fast as I can. and then wait for it to happen again.

It’s not ok.

I know that.

And no there is no HR department or manager or anyone else to talk to. There is literally him. Me. and his daughter who works here. Plus 2 accountants that office share. I could go to the police. But I feel like it’s not “bad enough” because it doesn’t involve sexual touching or anything to warrant involving them. And, then I would be out of a job. With hubby’s work not always regular, I do need to have a steady job. Also I don’t like change. I can’t handle it well. (why else would I have stayed at this job for the past 11 years!) So I need a job that can fit around school hours like I have now. and that will pay me the same or better as currently.

Sorry i know this blog is all over the show, but it’s kinda a reflection of how I am right now. All over the place.

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