Day 7

So today is day 7 of taking the Citalopram. First day was horrible, super dry mouth – was guzzling water every couple of minutes, and very bad heartburn – felt like I was pregnant again! Thankfully that went away by the next morning and I haven’t had it too bad since then, except for extreme tiredness and super intense yawning. The tiredness could possibly be due to the fact that I had a blood test due to being very dizzy and I have extremely low iron – so am now on iron supplements for the next 3 months as well. Yay. Oh and hunger growls from my stomach – super loud and super embarrassing!

I hadn’t even been getting super angry or anything or feeling quite as bad as I had been, almost sort of a balanced type feeling.

Until today, when all of a sudden I feel like I need to cut into my skin to escape the hollowness and gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. Clenching my fists together to try and stop the horrible familiar ache, so hard my nails have made indents in my palms.

I was warned about this. I keep trying to tell myself “it’s just the pills”.  I’m trying to distract my mind but it is not working. It’s all I can think about. Not ideal when I’m meant to be working. It’s weird too. Normally when I self harm it does hurt and kinda stops me in my tracks. Today….well it’s like everything is dulled down and I’m not feeling pain as much. It’s making me want to keep going until it does hurt.

Losing myself…..and beginning the road to recovery

So since I last wrote I’ve been up, down, up, down and very down.  I felt like I had completely lost myself and there was no way back. So alone and lonely and horrible. Soo tired and mentally exhausted. Cue suicidal thoughts all day long.

Today was a huge step for me. I went and saw the doctor. and yes, I have been diagnosed officially with depression and I have a lovely box of Citalopram pills to take now. Not that being officially diagnosed changes anything except for the pills. I’ve known for a very long time that it was depression.

That has taken me a very very long time to get to the point of going and seeing someone. After the last shitty doctor, this one was like a breath of fresh air. She was awesome.

But I DID IT!!!! I’m actually very proud of myself, I thought I would just chicken out again like I have every other time. But no –  I’m sick of feeling this way and I just want some form of ME back.  Now I just have to actually take the drugs and hope like anything they work. She wants me to go back in 2 weeks to see how I’m doing.

To most people this probably sounds like no big deal. But this has taken a lot of courage for me to open up. Most of the time I keep things tightly shut away and don’t even tell my husband how I’m feeling.

I know this road is probably going to be long, but I’ve taken the first step at least.

Let me forget

I don’t want to remember…..and he sure as hell isn’t letting me forget.

It’s that anniversary time again….yesterday was 4 years since I cheated.

Feeling weird. I cannot believe it has been that long, and yet it still seems just like yesterday, especially when hubby keeps bringing it up, talking about shit for half the night when I’m trying to sleep and bringing me down with it again.

I don’t WANT to talk about it. I don’t want to always remember. It still hurts me that I was ghosted by J. That I thought I had all these feelings that turned out to be nothing but lies. That I was pregnant. That I was so fucked up mentally that I said some really really horrible things. Things that make me cringe when I think about it.

It’s been a long hard road since that time 4 years ago. I’ve been to hell and back many times.

So how am I doing right now?

Not good.

 

We went to the Disturbed concert on Friday  night in Auckland with a friend. It was such an awesome day, just spending time wandering around Auckland and having dinner there, having a good chat etc and then the concert was just so fucking awesome!!! I want to do it all over again!

But….since I had been really looking forward to it for months, it has been the one thing that has kept me going. After it was all over, on Saturday I actually felt pain. Like that was it, gone, the one thing I’d been holding on for and now what’s left? Didn’t help that on Saturday we had been discussing the possibility of me going with a friend to Queenstown next year to do a half marathon and have a girls weekend. So Saturday night, once again was spent with hubby talking for hours while I was trying to sleep, bringing up all the cheating shit once again, saying that he doesn’t want me to go on the trip because he can’t trust me etc etc, and that it’s my own fault anyway, that I brought it on myself. Totally ruined my good mood that I was in after the concert. I want that feeling back.

I get it. It was a really really really shitty thing I did to him but does this really have to be how my whole life is going to go from now on? Not being able to go and do anything I want to without him chaperoning because he thinks I’m going to cheat again?! This is just so shit. And his way of controlling me once again. The only time I basically get to go out by myself is to work, or to get groceries, or that one girls night we had. The rest of the time he always comes along, whether it be the beach or to my parents etc. Obviously he is NEVER going to get over it.

So needless to say I spent the rest of Saturday night curled into a ball of pain while trying to sleep. This is never going to stop is it. I’m never going to be allowed to do anything. Never going to be allowed to forget what I did.

Please…let me forget. My brain already won’t let it go and keeps fucking with me, but I don’t need it from him as well.

I have not been thinking good thoughts lately. Scratched up my arm again the other day because I just couldn’t take how I was feeling anymore.

 

why the fuck did I ever get myself into this mess in the first place

Missing out

I always feel like I’m missing out on things.

 

I missed out on a lot of things when I was young because my parents couldn’t afford things.

I missed out on doing an OE.

I missed out on having a natural birth.

I missed out on a big surprise engagement.

I missed out on a few things to do with the wedding because we couldn’t afford what I wanted.

I missed out on having a best friend that I can call on anytime for anything.

I missed out on enjoying the first few years of my daughter’s life because I was too depressed.

I missed numerous things with friends due to being depressed.

I missed out on having another baby.

I missed out going to a couple of concerts I wanted to go to.

I missed out on having a normal good loving relationship. Yes we do love each other but it doesn’t seem like we have what other people have. We tend to spend more time bitching at each other than anything else. We don’t hardly spend time talking or kissing etc.

I missed out on being the mum that I wanted to be.

I have to miss out on a lot of things due to not having enough money. Or time. Or the willingness of my husband to let me go to them.

I’m missing out getting the photos I want because my camera can’t take them but I can’t afford a new one right now.

I get insane jealousy every time I see people go travelling, or with a new car, or buying a house etc etc because I can’t have any of those things right now and I so badly want them!

I badly need new clothes too as all mine either no longer fit me as I’ve put on a bit of weight, or else I don’t like them or else they are all falling apart (just in the last 2 weeks I’ve had 3 tops break on me!!)

I know this all sounds very selfish and all about me, but I feel like no one ever does think about me and what I want out of life and how we can get it.

 

Before I know it I will be dead and gone and I won’t have done half the things I want to before I die.

I’m missing out on my life.

Also………

Everything’s feeding my depression at the moment. I’m so tired all the time. I don’t want to get up in the morning. I haven’t been sleeping well. We badly need a new bed. My back aches but I don’t have the money to go to the chiropractor or get a massage. I’m so unmotivated by everything. Cooking is really hard, so we get McDonalds. Which I then feel really shitty about because we can’t afford anything but I’m too tired to cook. I hate work but go to try and earn some money. Which doesn’t end up going anywhere we need it to go anyway. Our credit card is maxed out. I’ve got a couple of sewing orders to do but I’m too tired to do them. Every day is the fucking same – get up, get H up, yell at her how slow she’s being and that I’m going to be late to work, make her lunch, make my lunch if I have time, drop off at school, get to work, work, pick up from school and stay at playground for nearly an hour by the time she will get off, go home, washing, cleaning, dinner, bedtime, sleep, repeat the next day. Christmas is coming along with H having almost 2 months off school and I have NO idea how the fuck we are going to look after her and juggle work at the same time. I just want to cry all the time. Or run away. I look like shit. I go and get my hair done to try and make me look better and then feel really shit about spending the money on it. I just don’t know what the point of anything is anymore. ARGH.

 

Yes it is all trivial shit, and yes there are poor starving children and people dying all over the world, but I cannot think about them as it just makes me feel even more shit for feeling how I do. And I can’t help any of them any more than I can help myself. All this stuff may be little in the grand scheme of things, but it does make an impact on my happiness and my life. Meh, why am I even trying to defend how I feel. I can feel however I want, it’s my life.

Life is exhausting

You know those days where everything seems too hard and you just want to run away? This is everyday for me at the moment. I’m tired. No actually I’m fucking exhausted……of living. Of the same old shit every single day. Of being taken for granted. Of having to do everything for everyone in this stupid house and never getting a chance to do what I want. And most of all I’m exhausted with feeling like this. I feel so lonely, and sad, and angry and frustrated and scared all at the same time. If this is my life, if this is how the rest of my life is going to be…well I don’t want it.

I actually scratched up my wrist the other night for the first time in ages. And I’ve been having those thoughts about crashing the car again. Or packing a bag and running away.

I went out a couple of weeks ago with a friend to the movies, had dinner and a drink after. It was one of the only times I’ve felt truly happy for a long time. And hubby hasn’t let up on it – the fact that he never gets to go out and has to look after H all the time. I hardly ever get to go out because he doesn’t trust me!! I just feel so trapped, in this house and in my mind.

The walls are caving in and it’s getting pretty dark in here. I hope someone shines me a light that I can grab soon or I might be stuck here forever… 😥

Still here

So. It’s almost been a whole year since I last blogged. No idea where that time went! I’ve tried so many times to write a blog since my last one but the words just would not flow. This one is not probably going to come out how I want it either but I just need to get some stuff out! Apologies if it is rambling and weird but thanks for reading.

To be honest, I don’t know where I am right now. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo between being really depressed and being ok….I’m just sort of…here. Some days I don’t feel like I’m feeling anything, that I’m just numb. Some days I feel that horrible aching feeling in my chest and hands, that I have to clench them together so hard my fingernails dig into my skin to get it to stop. Other days I cry. More often than not I’m really irritable and angry. Some days I’m happy. I still feel like I’m stuck somewhere I can’t get out of. I hate mornings as I just don’t want to get out of bed at all, it is a huge struggle, I hate having to get H ready for school and every day just seems so boring and I hate having to do the same thing over and over and over again. It really drags at me and makes me exhausted. I’ve been pulling away from everyone a bit again too, not talking to my friends much or anyone.  I have nothing interesting or fun to say so why bother saying anything at all? The more I think about how I am the more I realise I’m still feeling pretty shit and down actually. 😦

Things at home have been a bit strained. Hubby hasn’t been feeling that great for awhile and he went to talk to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and she diagnosed him with mild depression and gave him some antidepressants.

This felt like a real kick in the guts for me. I had a really hard time accepting this because I just feel so shit about the whole thing. I feel let down. By the fact that when I was damn near suicidal and self harming and I went to the doctor because I thought I had PND and she fobbed me off saying I wasn’t “bad enough” to need meds…..and yet hubby goes and bam! Meds prescribed straight away. That bloody doctor is what has put me off going back to see anyone else about this depression for the last 4 years! It took me so long to actually go in the first place, to build up enough confidence to talk to someone about it and then to have it shot down….well. Just another thing to fuck with my head. And I don’t feel like I can go to the doctor and talk to her about it now either (he saw the one I go to and I don’t really want to talk to anyone else about it). I was going to go to the dr a couple of weeks before he did as I was feeling pretty low again and having some bad thoughts, but I put it off because it was school holidays so I was stuck with H and we didn’t have money to spare.

Not to mention having someone who’s feeling down in the house and having to try and look after them while trying to take care your child, and while having depression yourself as well….fucking hard. I’ve only just managed to keep myself above water. I’m trying so hard for hubby’s sake to try and help him feel better again, doing things he likes doing, giving him sex when he wants it etc. However I’m now falling by the wayside again while I’ve been trying to prop him up. He hasn’t started taking the antidepressants yet, i started him out on some men’s stress vitamins first (B vitamins, zinc etc) and they seem to be helping somewhat. He said he is feeling a lot better now already which is great.

So now we have a full pack of AD’s sitting in the house, and damn they are tempting me. I’m not going to take them, but I’m…I dunno….curious I suppose? To see if they would help me?

Anyway I started taking 30 plus pills (hormone regulator) and they seemed to be helping me settle my moods a bit better, or so hubby thinks. As a bonus they made my boobs bigger! lol. Trouble is, I’ve almost run out of them now and haven’t really got money to buy more, so I haven’t been taking them for awhile. Possibly why I haven’t been feeling that great. I think I’ve pretty much accepted that I have depression and it’s never going to go away, just that I will have better times and then times when I’m not so good again.

In other news, so yes, H has started school, she’s been there 2 months now. That seems to be going quite well, she’s pretty smart and is starting to read quite well already. It has been a bit of an effort for me getting used to a different routine as I’ve changed my hours at work to school hours. Not to mention getting her to bed a lot earlier (shes usually asleep by 9 now every night) so hubby & I have been getting some grown up time in the evenings which is awesome. He has started playing diablo 3 again a little bit lately and I’ve been feeling some of the lonely feelings coming back as he just gets stuck into a rift or something on there and completely ignores everything else. I’ve been spending a lot of time playing on my ipod (Sims freeplay!) and going on facebook. He actually got shitty at me the other day and said that I was going on there too much! Pot, kettle, black anyone?!

I’ve also been going to the chiropractor lately as I did something to my neck at work a month ago, and she said my whole spine was pretty stuffed and out of alignment. Finally managed to go a whole week without lots of pain so I don’t have to go back to her for 2 weeks now which is great.

Stupid me has been facebook stalking some of my ex’s lately too. One of them (the first one I cheated on DH with) has recently broken up with his girlfriend and is single. and still really fucking HOT. And the guy in auckland, J….well since he stopped talking to me he must have blocked me on facebook because I cannot find him at all. I have been thinking about him a bit lately and hoping he is ok and wondering what if….And I’ve been still talking to another guy on FB too. He’s married and nothing is going to happen there, but it’s still fun to talk and flirt though. Does that make me a horrible cheating slut again? Probably. I wish I could stop thinking about them all. I just can’t stop myself searching for them and stuff. I even have been blocking out all the shitty things they did in my mind and only thinking about all the good times.

I really really hate myself sometimes.I am a horrible person.

I don’t know if it is better letting it all out. It just makes me feel even more shit. Maybe bottling it up is better.

 

How do I make it all stop?????????

 

I just want to be normal

I want to be normal. I want a normal life. I want a normal family.

I don’t want to be this person who can’t be happy and yells all the time. I want a clean and tidy house and money to buy things without feeling so guilty for spending the food money or bills money. I want a husband that will get off his ass to do things if I ask him. I don’t want to be told to shut the fuck up, stop being a bitch to me and change or I’ll kick you out of this house. I want him to just be NICE. I want to want sex. I want to be with my daughter and have fun instead of thinking she’s a pain in the ass. I want to feel normal again.

I hate going to sleep at night with a lump in my throat. Or hands that ache so much that I have to tightly clench them. Or a heart that feels like it is empty.

I want to be the person I can’t seem to be. I know there are a million things I need to be doing to change my life but I just can’t seem to do them. I lack motivation in anything. I haven’t even been sewing anymore. I’m not even really looking forward to our holiday next month, although it is badly needed. Instead I’m just pissed off that we have spent so much money on it and have maxed our credit card and have a loan to pay off.

I cannot keep up with the housework. Every day I spend so long tidying up, doing washing, dishes etc…yet it still looks like a tornado has gone through it. No one else seems to care or to be bothered helping.

I spend so long taking care of everyone else and I don’t have any time for myself. I have been trying to keep up with hubby’s washing while he has been on this new job (so much so that I haven’t been doing my own as much), making dinners a lot earlier than I had previously done (think eating at 6;30-7 instead of 8-9), I’ve been trying to get up with him in the mornings before he goes to work but it is friggen hard for me most days to even have the willpower to get up and then he gets shitty at me if I don’t get up. Last night he told me that I was meant to be getting dinners on earlier…..last night we ate at around 7, and that was because I vacuumed the entire house before cooking, after I worked half the day and looked after H for the other part. (He got home, had a shower, left all his dirty clothes on the floor, sat on the couch and ate chocolate and left the wrapper there so I had to nag at him to get him to put them away). So sorry for not having a three course meal on the table when his lordship walks through the door at 5.30. So sorry I’m not a 1950’s housewife. I’m not, and I never will be.

I look after our daughter, run around after her and get whatever she wants, put her to bed every night etc. Most of the time I don’t even get a shower to myself, as I put her in there with me to save time and it is easier for me to wash her hair that way. Our sex life is basically non existent….well I still put out but I am not into it at all. I don’t even want to kiss him or anything. (well why would I want to have sex when he is constantly grumping at me for being a bitch and that I’m not doing anything for him and that I had promised I would change. Can’t he fucking see I’m trying?!) Everything is frustrating the shit out of me at the moment and I keep yelling, nagging and getting shitty at everything.

Yes he changed for me when I asked him to when I wanted to leave. The tables have turned now though. Apparently everything is my fault and I’m the bitch. And I need to change my attitude or HE doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t even know what to say to that. He doesn’t realise what I’m feeling most of the time. He doesn’t realise that a lot of what he says to me really hurts. Like when I was excited about making up a website for my photography stuff and he got shitty and said that I was taking over his new hobby (long story). I had been wanting to do it FOREVER and he doesn’t realise how much of what he said hurt my feelings.

I really really don’t want to go on antidepressants. I want to try something natural first. I need to start walking more. There are some supplements I want to take, but I can’t yet because we don’t have any money.

I don’t like the person I have become. I don’t like the family we have become. I don’t want to feel like I don’t want to go home, or wake up in the morning.

Where the fuck is my normal life???

What is the point of being here and feeling like this.