FFS. I’m here again. Another year, another bout of depression. Recently started thinking about crashing my car into power poles again. And I just broke my streak of no self harm today.
so let’s see…what has happened recently.
Oh I know….
We had to move house to go back to live with my inlaws in their house as they are selling ours. Yaaaaaaaayyyyyy.
My stomach has been playing up again, had so much issues with it. So I feel like crap all the time.
My cat has hyperthyroidism and needs to be on daily ear gel medicine. She’s still living at the old house because it’s “too hard” to bring her to the inlaws. AKA they don’t want her there. Hubby said to put her down but fuck that. Unless she really needs to be then no. She’s my damn cat. So I have to go back there every single day to give her this bloody gel which is a pain in the ass.
My husband has said if I can’t sort out my shit and give him sex more he will divorce me because he can’t put up with my shit any longer. Sex is the last fucking thing on my mind right now. I don’t care if I never have it again.
Due to the house move and my MIL being a clean freak, I’ve had to declutter a LOT of my things. And this is super hard for me because I’m a bit of a hoarder and can’t let things go easily.
I got called up for jury duty and ended up going to see the doctor to try and get a letter to be permanently excused due to anxiety and depression because I was freaking out about it. He asked me how I was doing and if I had been having thoughts of self harm. I told him no not for a couple of years since before I went on meds. Well I guess that’s now a lie. Sorry doc.
I can’t do anything I want to do now. Have to go to bed when everyone else does. Don’t get to watch movies. Spend my bloody night putting H to bed because she still won’t go to sleep by herself.
and no it’s not all bad. MIL has given me a lot of space in her shadehouse area to grow my plants. I don’t have to cook every night. I’ve started playing social netball which I freaking love.
BUT my stupid dumb head won’t let me keep the positives in, keeps holding negatives around me no matter how much I try to stop it. I WANT to be a positive person. I hate all this negative angry SHIT all the time.