Once more down the rabbit hole

FFS. I’m here again. Another year, another bout of depression. Recently started thinking about crashing my car into power poles again. And I just broke my streak of no self harm today.

so let’s see…what has happened recently.

Oh I know….

We had to move house to go back to live with my inlaws in their house as they are selling ours. Yaaaaaaaayyyyyy.

My stomach has been playing up again, had so much issues with it. So I feel like crap all the time.

My cat has hyperthyroidism and needs to be on daily ear gel medicine. She’s still living at the old house because it’s “too hard” to bring her to the inlaws. AKA they don’t want her there. Hubby said to put her down but fuck that. Unless she really needs to be then no. She’s my damn cat. So I have to go back there every single day to give her this bloody gel which is a pain in the ass.

My husband has said if I can’t sort out my shit and give him sex more he will divorce me because he can’t put up with my shit any longer. Sex is the last fucking thing on my mind right now. I don’t care if I never have it again.

Due to the house move and my MIL being a clean freak, I’ve had to declutter a LOT of my things. And this is super hard for me because I’m a bit of a hoarder and can’t let things go easily.

I got called up for jury duty and ended up going to see the doctor to try and get a letter to be permanently excused due to anxiety and depression because I was freaking out about it. He asked me how I was doing and if I had been having thoughts of self harm. I told him no not for a couple of years since before I went on meds. Well I guess that’s now a lie. Sorry doc.

I can’t do anything I want to do now. Have to go to bed when everyone else does. Don’t get to watch movies. Spend my bloody night putting H to bed because she still won’t go to sleep by herself.

and no it’s not all bad. MIL has given me a lot of space in her shadehouse area to grow my plants. I don’t have to cook every night. I’ve started playing social netball which I freaking love.

BUT my stupid dumb head won’t let me keep the positives in, keeps holding negatives around me no matter how much I try to stop it. I WANT to be a positive person. I hate all this negative angry SHIT all the time.

7 years on

It’s been 7 years today.

Wow. How time flies.

He’s married again and they have a baby girl (thanks insta-stalking).

It still hurts.

Although now I have a whole load of different emotions going on.

Shame. Rage. Guilt. Sadness. Pain. Happiness. Loneliness. Emptiness. Confusion.

Some days life just hurts so much and I don’t want to be here anymore.

I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. Just bumbling along trying to keep going. I’m addicted to houseplants at the moment, think it helps dull the pain sometimes. But then other days I’m like what the fuck am I doing with all of this, it’s just more shit to take care of and it just feels too hard.

I think I’m getting depressed again.

Life sucks sometimes.

I feel so fucking lonely all the time. I don’t really have any close friends and it’s really twisting me up inside. I need a close girl friend that I can just go see whenever I want and spill stuff to. But instead all the “friends” i have are either online or they don’t really hang out or I feel awkward around because I don’t know them that well, or I don’t get invited to stuff etc. I see everyone else going out with friends etc and I’m so jealous of them. I think I would feel better if I had someone like this. I can’t really talk to hubby about all this as he’s got enough problems of his own (he’s seeing a counsellor) and he just doesn’t get it. Any time I try to talk to him I end up angry and frustrated and worse.

I just feel like no one really likes me or even cares. I post on one of my online groups but hardly anyone ever responds to the posts. i feel like all I ever do on there is complain so they are probably sick of me and think oh well she never takes our advice anyway so why bother with her.

I’m getting angry over all sorts of stuff, getting really frustrated with work and I just don’t want to be here. I don’t want to take meds again though. I didn’t like how I felt on them. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop the memories from coming. The other night in bed I was lying there and all these thoughts just popped into my head and I was paralysed with pain and sadness.

I feel like I’m failing at everything, all the time. I want to be the perfect mum and wife and I try so hard but it never seems good enough. I’m always disappointing someone, or myself. I never want to get out of bed and I’m late to work every single day. I don’t want to do anything with anyone at home, just wish they would leave me the fuck alone, but then I feel so guilty that I’m not doing stuff with them like I should.

Guilt is a fucking killer isn’t it?!

 

I can’t get shit out of my head. I can’t leave it alone. I can’t forget.  I pick at it and pick at it until it bleeds again.

 

For the first time in a long time I feel like hurting myself.

Relapse?

Written 27th November 2018, not published until now.

This time of the year always seems hard. Christmas is coming and there’s the stress of that with presents and family stuff. There’s the end of the year blues where you are just SO SICK of work that you just don’t want to get up anymore and go, but you know you have to because you need the money. I’m stuck in that rut right now. I friggen hate work but have to go. If I didn’t need the money, I would up and leave this minute.

This time of the year is also hard for me because of what happened with hubby and J. 6 years ago. Jeez. I can’t believe it was that long ago now. I never heard from him again. I saw on his instagram that he got married again. TBH I don’t even care. I wish I could just forget he ever existed because I’m sick of thinking about it all, sick of hearing certain songs on the radio that make me think of him, that brings all the memories right back to the surface again.  Not just memories of him, but also how hubby & I were around that time. All the shitty things we did and said to each other. I hadn’t mentioned this on here at all, but I found out long after the fact that when I got pregnant, it actually could have been hubby’s as well. He decided to be a jerk and poke a needle in all our condoms to get revenge. WTF right?! now that was a bombshell that fucked with my head. That’s the kinda thing that psycho control freak people do. Dare I say abusers.

I can’t get over it all and probably never will, and I know he won’t either. I just don’t know if we are stupid to try and stay with each other and make this marriage work when it is just SO HARD all the time. I’m sure it’s not meant to be this hard. But hey, I’m sick of second guessing everything I do in life.

I’ve been struggling a bit these past couple of weeks. I’m super irritable. Snapping at everything and yelling like crazy. Tearful. Exhausted. and it’s not even PMS! (unless it’s midcycle PMS). Apologising to my daughter for the shitty things I’ve been saying to her. I feel like such a horrible mum. She’s just constantly pushing my buttons though and I can’t handle it at all and just snap at her. Instant rage. Fucking horrible. I can’t seem to control myself though! Do you know how hard it is not to yell at your boss when they are pissing you off?! I’ve been feeling that horrible aching feeling again too in my hands etc, I actually had to bite down on my hand the other day to get it to try and stop aching (sounds weird i know but it did help). I haven’t been sleeping well either.  It’s the going to sleep that’s hard, I find myself overthinking things and not being able to drift off, or else I start having bad dreams and then waking up in the middle of the night tossing and turning.

I’ve been off the AD’s now for about 4 months and I’ve been feeling really great for the most part. But this latest couple of weeks has me feeling a bit on edge. Is it a relapse?? Or am I just in a bad mood? I know I don’t want to go back on AD’s again unless I really have to, so I’m going to try and up my exercise and try and do more fun things for myself for a few weeks and see if that helps. I haven’t gone back on my 30 plus pills either as we haven’t had the money, and TBH I’ve been enjoying not having to remember to take pills! The only thing I’ve been taking has been fish oil tablets when I remember. I think I might have to start going back on them though, even if it’s only to try and stop all this horrible breakout that has come up since I went off my AD’s. Still suffering from that! I haven’t even been taking my iron pills which I need to as I think that might be part of the reason that I’ve been so exhausted. I hate the side effects from them though.

Our budget went to shit again too so we haven’t had much money lately which is not helping a lot. Hubby’s been a pain in the ass with eating lately ever since he got sick, only wants salad and nothing that I make basically, so am having to find something for me & my daughter to eat and have him separate.

I’m really hanging out for the holidays. I just can’t wait to not have to go to work for 2 whole weeks. Every day lately I’ve been tempted to just call in “sick” as I just can’t face going.

That’s the other thing too. I’ve been having “issues” with my boss for awhile now. This sounds really stupid because I’m sure if it was anyone else having these issues they would just either say something, or else quit. I don’t feel like i can do either. But I am looking for a new job, it has to be the right one though for me to actually leave. I wish my sewing could make me enough money to just leave because I would love that. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with stupid ass people. I hate people.

So what are my issues with him you ask? Well it’s been going on a long time now. A good couple of years. On and off, not all the time thankfully. It’s unwanted touching. Of my head, shoulders, neck and occasionally waist. It’s the sitting me down on his lap when I have to go to his office to help him with something. Coming out and massaging my neck while I’m working. Putting his hands either side of my waist to move me across when I’m standing at the photocopier (surely an “excuse me” would suffice!!). The occasional hand on the bum. Or the other day arm around my waist and a hand beside my breast. Coupled with the odd random remark about what I’m wearing or something else, makes me very uncomfortable. I just feel icky. But because I’m such a doormat, I just let him. I have never said anything. I just try and get away as fast as I can. and then wait for it to happen again.

It’s not ok.

I know that.

And no there is no HR department or manager or anyone else to talk to. There is literally him. Me. and his daughter who works here. Plus 2 accountants that office share. I could go to the police. But I feel like it’s not “bad enough” because it doesn’t involve sexual touching or anything to warrant involving them. And, then I would be out of a job. With hubby’s work not always regular, I do need to have a steady job. Also I don’t like change. I can’t handle it well. (why else would I have stayed at this job for the past 11 years!) So I need a job that can fit around school hours like I have now. and that will pay me the same or better as currently.

Sorry i know this blog is all over the show, but it’s kinda a reflection of how I am right now. All over the place.

Coming off AD’s

So….it’s been a long time since I wrote  last.

I’ve been on the citalopram all this time, and have decided it’s time to come off. Went to see my doctor who thought it would be good to taper down to 10mg for a month and see how I go from there. I think I’m about two weeks in so far and feeling ok. I have been a lot more tearful than normal and slightly more irritable but other than that not too bad. I did get my period early though and have been breaking out in pimples like crazy which is super annoying! Once I completely come off the citalopram I will start taking the Nuwoman 30plus pills again which did seem to help me last time I was taking them.

So yeah, nothing much new to report.

Other than the fact that I’m hating work at the moment and looking for a new job (which has not been helping my depression!).

Anyway just thought I would note this down so I don’t forget (seeing as my memory is still CRAP).

Ooh and I’m going to P!nk in just over a month’s time! Cannot WAIT. But eek I have to try and get my full licence by then or otherwise I will have to stay in Auckland for the night and take two days off work instead of one.

Day 7

So today is day 7 of taking the Citalopram. First day was horrible, super dry mouth – was guzzling water every couple of minutes, and very bad heartburn – felt like I was pregnant again! Thankfully that went away by the next morning and I haven’t had it too bad since then, except for extreme tiredness and super intense yawning. The tiredness could possibly be due to the fact that I had a blood test due to being very dizzy and I have extremely low iron – so am now on iron supplements for the next 3 months as well. Yay. Oh and hunger growls from my stomach – super loud and super embarrassing!

I hadn’t even been getting super angry or anything or feeling quite as bad as I had been, almost sort of a balanced type feeling.

Until today, when all of a sudden I feel like I need to cut into my skin to escape the hollowness and gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. Clenching my fists together to try and stop the horrible familiar ache, so hard my nails have made indents in my palms.

I was warned about this. I keep trying to tell myself “it’s just the pills”.  I’m trying to distract my mind but it is not working. It’s all I can think about. Not ideal when I’m meant to be working. It’s weird too. Normally when I self harm it does hurt and kinda stops me in my tracks. Today….well it’s like everything is dulled down and I’m not feeling pain as much. It’s making me want to keep going until it does hurt.

Losing myself…..and beginning the road to recovery

So since I last wrote I’ve been up, down, up, down and very down.  I felt like I had completely lost myself and there was no way back. So alone and lonely and horrible. Soo tired and mentally exhausted. Cue suicidal thoughts all day long.

Today was a huge step for me. I went and saw the doctor. and yes, I have been diagnosed officially with depression and I have a lovely box of Citalopram pills to take now. Not that being officially diagnosed changes anything except for the pills. I’ve known for a very long time that it was depression.

That has taken me a very very long time to get to the point of going and seeing someone. After the last shitty doctor, this one was like a breath of fresh air. She was awesome.

But I DID IT!!!! I’m actually very proud of myself, I thought I would just chicken out again like I have every other time. But no –  I’m sick of feeling this way and I just want some form of ME back.  Now I just have to actually take the drugs and hope like anything they work. She wants me to go back in 2 weeks to see how I’m doing.

To most people this probably sounds like no big deal. But this has taken a lot of courage for me to open up. Most of the time I keep things tightly shut away and don’t even tell my husband how I’m feeling.

I know this road is probably going to be long, but I’ve taken the first step at least.

Let me forget

I don’t want to remember…..and he sure as hell isn’t letting me forget.

It’s that anniversary time again….yesterday was 4 years since I cheated.

Feeling weird. I cannot believe it has been that long, and yet it still seems just like yesterday, especially when hubby keeps bringing it up, talking about shit for half the night when I’m trying to sleep and bringing me down with it again.

I don’t WANT to talk about it. I don’t want to always remember. It still hurts me that I was ghosted by J. That I thought I had all these feelings that turned out to be nothing but lies. That I was pregnant. That I was so fucked up mentally that I said some really really horrible things. Things that make me cringe when I think about it.

It’s been a long hard road since that time 4 years ago. I’ve been to hell and back many times.

So how am I doing right now?

Not good.

 

We went to the Disturbed concert on Friday  night in Auckland with a friend. It was such an awesome day, just spending time wandering around Auckland and having dinner there, having a good chat etc and then the concert was just so fucking awesome!!! I want to do it all over again!

But….since I had been really looking forward to it for months, it has been the one thing that has kept me going. After it was all over, on Saturday I actually felt pain. Like that was it, gone, the one thing I’d been holding on for and now what’s left? Didn’t help that on Saturday we had been discussing the possibility of me going with a friend to Queenstown next year to do a half marathon and have a girls weekend. So Saturday night, once again was spent with hubby talking for hours while I was trying to sleep, bringing up all the cheating shit once again, saying that he doesn’t want me to go on the trip because he can’t trust me etc etc, and that it’s my own fault anyway, that I brought it on myself. Totally ruined my good mood that I was in after the concert. I want that feeling back.

I get it. It was a really really really shitty thing I did to him but does this really have to be how my whole life is going to go from now on? Not being able to go and do anything I want to without him chaperoning because he thinks I’m going to cheat again?! This is just so shit. And his way of controlling me once again. The only time I basically get to go out by myself is to work, or to get groceries, or that one girls night we had. The rest of the time he always comes along, whether it be the beach or to my parents etc. Obviously he is NEVER going to get over it.

So needless to say I spent the rest of Saturday night curled into a ball of pain while trying to sleep. This is never going to stop is it. I’m never going to be allowed to do anything. Never going to be allowed to forget what I did.

Please…let me forget. My brain already won’t let it go and keeps fucking with me, but I don’t need it from him as well.

I have not been thinking good thoughts lately. Scratched up my arm again the other day because I just couldn’t take how I was feeling anymore.

 

why the fuck did I ever get myself into this mess in the first place

Missing out

I always feel like I’m missing out on things.

 

I missed out on a lot of things when I was young because my parents couldn’t afford things.

I missed out on doing an OE.

I missed out on having a natural birth.

I missed out on a big surprise engagement.

I missed out on a few things to do with the wedding because we couldn’t afford what I wanted.

I missed out on having a best friend that I can call on anytime for anything.

I missed out on enjoying the first few years of my daughter’s life because I was too depressed.

I missed numerous things with friends due to being depressed.

I missed out on having another baby.

I missed out going to a couple of concerts I wanted to go to.

I missed out on having a normal good loving relationship. Yes we do love each other but it doesn’t seem like we have what other people have. We tend to spend more time bitching at each other than anything else. We don’t hardly spend time talking or kissing etc.

I missed out on being the mum that I wanted to be.

I have to miss out on a lot of things due to not having enough money. Or time. Or the willingness of my husband to let me go to them.

I’m missing out getting the photos I want because my camera can’t take them but I can’t afford a new one right now.

I get insane jealousy every time I see people go travelling, or with a new car, or buying a house etc etc because I can’t have any of those things right now and I so badly want them!

I badly need new clothes too as all mine either no longer fit me as I’ve put on a bit of weight, or else I don’t like them or else they are all falling apart (just in the last 2 weeks I’ve had 3 tops break on me!!)

I know this all sounds very selfish and all about me, but I feel like no one ever does think about me and what I want out of life and how we can get it.

 

Before I know it I will be dead and gone and I won’t have done half the things I want to before I die.

I’m missing out on my life.

Also………

Everything’s feeding my depression at the moment. I’m so tired all the time. I don’t want to get up in the morning. I haven’t been sleeping well. We badly need a new bed. My back aches but I don’t have the money to go to the chiropractor or get a massage. I’m so unmotivated by everything. Cooking is really hard, so we get McDonalds. Which I then feel really shitty about because we can’t afford anything but I’m too tired to cook. I hate work but go to try and earn some money. Which doesn’t end up going anywhere we need it to go anyway. Our credit card is maxed out. I’ve got a couple of sewing orders to do but I’m too tired to do them. Every day is the fucking same – get up, get H up, yell at her how slow she’s being and that I’m going to be late to work, make her lunch, make my lunch if I have time, drop off at school, get to work, work, pick up from school and stay at playground for nearly an hour by the time she will get off, go home, washing, cleaning, dinner, bedtime, sleep, repeat the next day. Christmas is coming along with H having almost 2 months off school and I have NO idea how the fuck we are going to look after her and juggle work at the same time. I just want to cry all the time. Or run away. I look like shit. I go and get my hair done to try and make me look better and then feel really shit about spending the money on it. I just don’t know what the point of anything is anymore. ARGH.

 

Yes it is all trivial shit, and yes there are poor starving children and people dying all over the world, but I cannot think about them as it just makes me feel even more shit for feeling how I do. And I can’t help any of them any more than I can help myself. All this stuff may be little in the grand scheme of things, but it does make an impact on my happiness and my life. Meh, why am I even trying to defend how I feel. I can feel however I want, it’s my life.

Life is exhausting

You know those days where everything seems too hard and you just want to run away? This is everyday for me at the moment. I’m tired. No actually I’m fucking exhausted……of living. Of the same old shit every single day. Of being taken for granted. Of having to do everything for everyone in this stupid house and never getting a chance to do what I want. And most of all I’m exhausted with feeling like this. I feel so lonely, and sad, and angry and frustrated and scared all at the same time. If this is my life, if this is how the rest of my life is going to be…well I don’t want it.

I actually scratched up my wrist the other night for the first time in ages. And I’ve been having those thoughts about crashing the car again. Or packing a bag and running away.

I went out a couple of weeks ago with a friend to the movies, had dinner and a drink after. It was one of the only times I’ve felt truly happy for a long time. And hubby hasn’t let up on it – the fact that he never gets to go out and has to look after H all the time. I hardly ever get to go out because he doesn’t trust me!! I just feel so trapped, in this house and in my mind.

The walls are caving in and it’s getting pretty dark in here. I hope someone shines me a light that I can grab soon or I might be stuck here forever… 😥

Still here

So. It’s almost been a whole year since I last blogged. No idea where that time went! I’ve tried so many times to write a blog since my last one but the words just would not flow. This one is not probably going to come out how I want it either but I just need to get some stuff out! Apologies if it is rambling and weird but thanks for reading.

To be honest, I don’t know where I am right now. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo between being really depressed and being ok….I’m just sort of…here. Some days I don’t feel like I’m feeling anything, that I’m just numb. Some days I feel that horrible aching feeling in my chest and hands, that I have to clench them together so hard my fingernails dig into my skin to get it to stop. Other days I cry. More often than not I’m really irritable and angry. Some days I’m happy. I still feel like I’m stuck somewhere I can’t get out of. I hate mornings as I just don’t want to get out of bed at all, it is a huge struggle, I hate having to get H ready for school and every day just seems so boring and I hate having to do the same thing over and over and over again. It really drags at me and makes me exhausted. I’ve been pulling away from everyone a bit again too, not talking to my friends much or anyone.  I have nothing interesting or fun to say so why bother saying anything at all? The more I think about how I am the more I realise I’m still feeling pretty shit and down actually. 😦

Things at home have been a bit strained. Hubby hasn’t been feeling that great for awhile and he went to talk to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and she diagnosed him with mild depression and gave him some antidepressants.

This felt like a real kick in the guts for me. I had a really hard time accepting this because I just feel so shit about the whole thing. I feel let down. By the fact that when I was damn near suicidal and self harming and I went to the doctor because I thought I had PND and she fobbed me off saying I wasn’t “bad enough” to need meds…..and yet hubby goes and bam! Meds prescribed straight away. That bloody doctor is what has put me off going back to see anyone else about this depression for the last 4 years! It took me so long to actually go in the first place, to build up enough confidence to talk to someone about it and then to have it shot down….well. Just another thing to fuck with my head. And I don’t feel like I can go to the doctor and talk to her about it now either (he saw the one I go to and I don’t really want to talk to anyone else about it). I was going to go to the dr a couple of weeks before he did as I was feeling pretty low again and having some bad thoughts, but I put it off because it was school holidays so I was stuck with H and we didn’t have money to spare.

Not to mention having someone who’s feeling down in the house and having to try and look after them while trying to take care your child, and while having depression yourself as well….fucking hard. I’ve only just managed to keep myself above water. I’m trying so hard for hubby’s sake to try and help him feel better again, doing things he likes doing, giving him sex when he wants it etc. However I’m now falling by the wayside again while I’ve been trying to prop him up. He hasn’t started taking the antidepressants yet, i started him out on some men’s stress vitamins first (B vitamins, zinc etc) and they seem to be helping somewhat. He said he is feeling a lot better now already which is great.

So now we have a full pack of AD’s sitting in the house, and damn they are tempting me. I’m not going to take them, but I’m…I dunno….curious I suppose? To see if they would help me?

Anyway I started taking 30 plus pills (hormone regulator) and they seemed to be helping me settle my moods a bit better, or so hubby thinks. As a bonus they made my boobs bigger! lol. Trouble is, I’ve almost run out of them now and haven’t really got money to buy more, so I haven’t been taking them for awhile. Possibly why I haven’t been feeling that great. I think I’ve pretty much accepted that I have depression and it’s never going to go away, just that I will have better times and then times when I’m not so good again.

In other news, so yes, H has started school, she’s been there 2 months now. That seems to be going quite well, she’s pretty smart and is starting to read quite well already. It has been a bit of an effort for me getting used to a different routine as I’ve changed my hours at work to school hours. Not to mention getting her to bed a lot earlier (shes usually asleep by 9 now every night) so hubby & I have been getting some grown up time in the evenings which is awesome. He has started playing diablo 3 again a little bit lately and I’ve been feeling some of the lonely feelings coming back as he just gets stuck into a rift or something on there and completely ignores everything else. I’ve been spending a lot of time playing on my ipod (Sims freeplay!) and going on facebook. He actually got shitty at me the other day and said that I was going on there too much! Pot, kettle, black anyone?!

I’ve also been going to the chiropractor lately as I did something to my neck at work a month ago, and she said my whole spine was pretty stuffed and out of alignment. Finally managed to go a whole week without lots of pain so I don’t have to go back to her for 2 weeks now which is great.

Stupid me has been facebook stalking some of my ex’s lately too. One of them (the first one I cheated on DH with) has recently broken up with his girlfriend and is single. and still really fucking HOT. And the guy in auckland, J….well since he stopped talking to me he must have blocked me on facebook because I cannot find him at all. I have been thinking about him a bit lately and hoping he is ok and wondering what if….And I’ve been still talking to another guy on FB too. He’s married and nothing is going to happen there, but it’s still fun to talk and flirt though. Does that make me a horrible cheating slut again? Probably. I wish I could stop thinking about them all. I just can’t stop myself searching for them and stuff. I even have been blocking out all the shitty things they did in my mind and only thinking about all the good times.

I really really hate myself sometimes.I am a horrible person.

I don’t know if it is better letting it all out. It just makes me feel even more shit. Maybe bottling it up is better.

 

How do I make it all stop?????????