Missing out

I always feel like I’m missing out on things.

 

I missed out on a lot of things when I was young because my parents couldn’t afford things.

I missed out on doing an OE.

I missed out on having a natural birth.

I missed out on a big surprise engagement.

I missed out on a few things to do with the wedding because we couldn’t afford what I wanted.

I missed out on having a best friend that I can call on anytime for anything.

I missed out on enjoying the first few years of my daughter’s life because I was too depressed.

I missed numerous things with friends due to being depressed.

I missed out on having another baby.

I missed out going to a couple of concerts I wanted to go to.

I missed out on having a normal good loving relationship. Yes we do love each other but it doesn’t seem like we have what other people have. We tend to spend more time bitching at each other than anything else. We don’t hardly spend time talking or kissing etc.

I missed out on being the mum that I wanted to be.

I have to miss out on a lot of things due to not having enough money. Or time. Or the willingness of my husband to let me go to them.

I’m missing out getting the photos I want because my camera can’t take them but I can’t afford a new one right now.

I get insane jealousy every time I see people go travelling, or with a new car, or buying a house etc etc because I can’t have any of those things right now and I so badly want them!

I badly need new clothes too as all mine either no longer fit me as I’ve put on a bit of weight, or else I don’t like them or else they are all falling apart (just in the last 2 weeks I’ve had 3 tops break on me!!)

I know this all sounds very selfish and all about me, but I feel like no one ever does think about me and what I want out of life and how we can get it.

 

Before I know it I will be dead and gone and I won’t have done half the things I want to before I die.

I’m missing out on my life.

Also………

Everything’s feeding my depression at the moment. I’m so tired all the time. I don’t want to get up in the morning. I haven’t been sleeping well. We badly need a new bed. My back aches but I don’t have the money to go to the chiropractor or get a massage. I’m so unmotivated by everything. Cooking is really hard, so we get McDonalds. Which I then feel really shitty about because we can’t afford anything but I’m too tired to cook. I hate work but go to try and earn some money. Which doesn’t end up going anywhere we need it to go anyway. Our credit card is maxed out. I’ve got a couple of sewing orders to do but I’m too tired to do them. Every day is the fucking same – get up, get H up, yell at her how slow she’s being and that I’m going to be late to work, make her lunch, make my lunch if I have time, drop off at school, get to work, work, pick up from school and stay at playground for nearly an hour by the time she will get off, go home, washing, cleaning, dinner, bedtime, sleep, repeat the next day. Christmas is coming along with H having almost 2 months off school and I have NO idea how the fuck we are going to look after her and juggle work at the same time. I just want to cry all the time. Or run away. I look like shit. I go and get my hair done to try and make me look better and then feel really shit about spending the money on it. I just don’t know what the point of anything is anymore. ARGH.

 

Yes it is all trivial shit, and yes there are poor starving children and people dying all over the world, but I cannot think about them as it just makes me feel even more shit for feeling how I do. And I can’t help any of them any more than I can help myself. All this stuff may be little in the grand scheme of things, but it does make an impact on my happiness and my life. Meh, why am I even trying to defend how I feel. I can feel however I want, it’s my life.

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