Still here

So. It’s almost been a whole year since I last blogged. No idea where that time went! I’ve tried so many times to write a blog since my last one but the words just would not flow. This one is not probably going to come out how I want it either but I just need to get some stuff out! Apologies if it is rambling and weird but thanks for reading.

To be honest, I don’t know where I am right now. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo between being really depressed and being ok….I’m just sort of…here. Some days I don’t feel like I’m feeling anything, that I’m just numb. Some days I feel that horrible aching feeling in my chest and hands, that I have to clench them together so hard my fingernails dig into my skin to get it to stop. Other days I cry. More often than not I’m really irritable and angry. Some days I’m happy. I still feel like I’m stuck somewhere I can’t get out of. I hate mornings as I just don’t want to get out of bed at all, it is a huge struggle, I hate having to get H ready for school and every day just seems so boring and I hate having to do the same thing over and over and over again. It really drags at me and makes me exhausted. I’ve been pulling away from everyone a bit again too, not talking to my friends much or anyone.  I have nothing interesting or fun to say so why bother saying anything at all? The more I think about how I am the more I realise I’m still feeling pretty shit and down actually. 😦

Things at home have been a bit strained. Hubby hasn’t been feeling that great for awhile and he went to talk to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and she diagnosed him with mild depression and gave him some antidepressants.

This felt like a real kick in the guts for me. I had a really hard time accepting this because I just feel so shit about the whole thing. I feel let down. By the fact that when I was damn near suicidal and self harming and I went to the doctor because I thought I had PND and she fobbed me off saying I wasn’t “bad enough” to need meds…..and yet hubby goes and bam! Meds prescribed straight away. That bloody doctor is what has put me off going back to see anyone else about this depression for the last 4 years! It took me so long to actually go in the first place, to build up enough confidence to talk to someone about it and then to have it shot down….well. Just another thing to fuck with my head. And I don’t feel like I can go to the doctor and talk to her about it now either (he saw the one I go to and I don’t really want to talk to anyone else about it). I was going to go to the dr a couple of weeks before he did as I was feeling pretty low again and having some bad thoughts, but I put it off because it was school holidays so I was stuck with H and we didn’t have money to spare.

Not to mention having someone who’s feeling down in the house and having to try and look after them while trying to take care your child, and while having depression yourself as well….fucking hard. I’ve only just managed to keep myself above water. I’m trying so hard for hubby’s sake to try and help him feel better again, doing things he likes doing, giving him sex when he wants it etc. However I’m now falling by the wayside again while I’ve been trying to prop him up. He hasn’t started taking the antidepressants yet, i started him out on some men’s stress vitamins first (B vitamins, zinc etc) and they seem to be helping somewhat. He said he is feeling a lot better now already which is great.

So now we have a full pack of AD’s sitting in the house, and damn they are tempting me. I’m not going to take them, but I’m…I dunno….curious I suppose? To see if they would help me?

Anyway I started taking 30 plus pills (hormone regulator) and they seemed to be helping me settle my moods a bit better, or so hubby thinks. As a bonus they made my boobs bigger! lol. Trouble is, I’ve almost run out of them now and haven’t really got money to buy more, so I haven’t been taking them for awhile. Possibly why I haven’t been feeling that great. I think I’ve pretty much accepted that I have depression and it’s never going to go away, just that I will have better times and then times when I’m not so good again.

In other news, so yes, H has started school, she’s been there 2 months now. That seems to be going quite well, she’s pretty smart and is starting to read quite well already. It has been a bit of an effort for me getting used to a different routine as I’ve changed my hours at work to school hours. Not to mention getting her to bed a lot earlier (shes usually asleep by 9 now every night) so hubby & I have been getting some grown up time in the evenings which is awesome. He has started playing diablo 3 again a little bit lately and I’ve been feeling some of the lonely feelings coming back as he just gets stuck into a rift or something on there and completely ignores everything else. I’ve been spending a lot of time playing on my ipod (Sims freeplay!) and going on facebook. He actually got shitty at me the other day and said that I was going on there too much! Pot, kettle, black anyone?!

I’ve also been going to the chiropractor lately as I did something to my neck at work a month ago, and she said my whole spine was pretty stuffed and out of alignment. Finally managed to go a whole week without lots of pain so I don’t have to go back to her for 2 weeks now which is great.

Stupid me has been facebook stalking some of my ex’s lately too. One of them (the first one I cheated on DH with) has recently broken up with his girlfriend and is single. and still really fucking HOT. And the guy in auckland, J….well since he stopped talking to me he must have blocked me on facebook because I cannot find him at all. I have been thinking about him a bit lately and hoping he is ok and wondering what if….And I’ve been still talking to another guy on FB too. He’s married and nothing is going to happen there, but it’s still fun to talk and flirt though. Does that make me a horrible cheating slut again? Probably. I wish I could stop thinking about them all. I just can’t stop myself searching for them and stuff. I even have been blocking out all the shitty things they did in my mind and only thinking about all the good times.

I really really hate myself sometimes.I am a horrible person.

I don’t know if it is better letting it all out. It just makes me feel even more shit. Maybe bottling it up is better.

 

How do I make it all stop?????????

 

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