I want to be normal. I want a normal life. I want a normal family.
I don’t want to be this person who can’t be happy and yells all the time. I want a clean and tidy house and money to buy things without feeling so guilty for spending the food money or bills money. I want a husband that will get off his ass to do things if I ask him. I don’t want to be told to shut the fuck up, stop being a bitch to me and change or I’ll kick you out of this house. I want him to just be NICE. I want to want sex. I want to be with my daughter and have fun instead of thinking she’s a pain in the ass. I want to feel normal again.
I hate going to sleep at night with a lump in my throat. Or hands that ache so much that I have to tightly clench them. Or a heart that feels like it is empty.
I want to be the person I can’t seem to be. I know there are a million things I need to be doing to change my life but I just can’t seem to do them. I lack motivation in anything. I haven’t even been sewing anymore. I’m not even really looking forward to our holiday next month, although it is badly needed. Instead I’m just pissed off that we have spent so much money on it and have maxed our credit card and have a loan to pay off.
I cannot keep up with the housework. Every day I spend so long tidying up, doing washing, dishes etc…yet it still looks like a tornado has gone through it. No one else seems to care or to be bothered helping.
I spend so long taking care of everyone else and I don’t have any time for myself. I have been trying to keep up with hubby’s washing while he has been on this new job (so much so that I haven’t been doing my own as much), making dinners a lot earlier than I had previously done (think eating at 6;30-7 instead of 8-9), I’ve been trying to get up with him in the mornings before he goes to work but it is friggen hard for me most days to even have the willpower to get up and then he gets shitty at me if I don’t get up. Last night he told me that I was meant to be getting dinners on earlier…..last night we ate at around 7, and that was because I vacuumed the entire house before cooking, after I worked half the day and looked after H for the other part. (He got home, had a shower, left all his dirty clothes on the floor, sat on the couch and ate chocolate and left the wrapper there so I had to nag at him to get him to put them away). So sorry for not having a three course meal on the table when his lordship walks through the door at 5.30. So sorry I’m not a 1950’s housewife. I’m not, and I never will be.
I look after our daughter, run around after her and get whatever she wants, put her to bed every night etc. Most of the time I don’t even get a shower to myself, as I put her in there with me to save time and it is easier for me to wash her hair that way. Our sex life is basically non existent….well I still put out but I am not into it at all. I don’t even want to kiss him or anything. (well why would I want to have sex when he is constantly grumping at me for being a bitch and that I’m not doing anything for him and that I had promised I would change. Can’t he fucking see I’m trying?!) Everything is frustrating the shit out of me at the moment and I keep yelling, nagging and getting shitty at everything.
Yes he changed for me when I asked him to when I wanted to leave. The tables have turned now though. Apparently everything is my fault and I’m the bitch. And I need to change my attitude or HE doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t even know what to say to that. He doesn’t realise what I’m feeling most of the time. He doesn’t realise that a lot of what he says to me really hurts. Like when I was excited about making up a website for my photography stuff and he got shitty and said that I was taking over his new hobby (long story). I had been wanting to do it FOREVER and he doesn’t realise how much of what he said hurt my feelings.
I really really don’t want to go on antidepressants. I want to try something natural first. I need to start walking more. There are some supplements I want to take, but I can’t yet because we don’t have any money.
I don’t like the person I have become. I don’t like the family we have become. I don’t want to feel like I don’t want to go home, or wake up in the morning.
Where the fuck is my normal life???
What is the point of being here and feeling like this.