Ramblings from a confused mind

Ramblings. I apologise now, this post is probably going to be long, and all over the show and thoughts spurted out of my brain as I think them. Sometimes things in life are easier said when they aren’t edited and fluffed around with too much. (although I may edit this slightly so it makes sense haha). Also am sorry about the amount of times I may swear in this. Am not feeling very censor-able right now.

I read this quote on a blog yesterday and I guess it resonated with me a bit: “They will want to help but, they won’t know how.  Since I’m an only child, I learned to be alone. I don’t allow people in, people don’t know anything about me under the surface. But the ones that do know me, they know too much because I become overly reliant on them.”

I was basically an only child. My parents were always pretty busy doing their work (self employed) and I had to fit in time with them around it (although they were really good and always did things with me in their spare time). So, yeah I learned to be alone. I was happy playing by myself though. I didn’t feel like I always needed someone around. In fact mostly I liked being alone, and still do now as it helps me think about things and chill out a bit. It gets a bit much with hubby and my daughter jumping all over me and talking to me all the time. I’m a bit of a quiet person in that respect, I need my space. Sometimes though I think I have my own space too much. I need people. And when I get depressed I push everyone away. Which is probably the worst thing I could do. Hubby always tells me to go see some of my friends, and while I would love to and know I would have fun, at the same time I just don’t want to. It feels too hard. I wouldn’t know what to say. Questions would get asked that I just don’t know what the answers are. I feel awkward in social situations, even around my best friends sometimes. It really bugs me. I wish I had even one really really close friend nearby, who would just show up at my house and take me out for a drink, or come give me tissues when I need to cry. Someone who is always there when I need them……I don’t have anyone like this and it makes me really sad. Yet at the same time, I know friendships need a lot of work and it is a two way street..I can’t just expect that of someone without returning the favour, and it just feels too hard right now. So again, I remain by myself. I am my own worst enemy. I sabotage my own chances. I used to do this all the time, I would get invited to something and decline because I “had something on”. I actually didn’t, it was usually because it was going to something that would make me feel too awkward and nervous. Or couldn’t go to without hubby….I think he’s like my safety net for things like that.

You know what? I care too  much about what other people think about me. I don’t wear certain clothes even though I would love to because I don’t want other people thinking I look funny or weird. I bought some boots this winter that I LOVE yet have only worn them once because I don’t want people thinking I look like a hooker or something (lol). They have big chunky heels, are knee length and have zips up the side. Stupid though, if I like them I should wear them!

I don’t like people staring at me. Some days I would love to go for a walk up the road yet I don’t because it is a busy road and I don’t want people watching me while I walk. I hate it because I love going for walks!! I would love to ride a bike again as I haven’t since I outgrew my old bmx when I was like 14, but once again, I’m too nervous about what other people might think or look at me. Yet the funny thing is, sometimes I do get kitted up in my tight walking clothes (yes tight…bought specifically to look good lol) and go for a walk in the hopes guys will look at me. I like dressing up all nice and feeling sexy and going shopping or whatever and seeing people look at me. Seriously, I don’t know what the fuck is up with my head sometimes. I shouldn’t need that. Shouldn’t need the thrill of guys turning their heads when I walk down the road. Shouldn’t need to be scared of going out in public because someone might look at me. At the end of the day, no one really cares about anyone else anyway! They are all busy going about their own lives to worry about me. Some probably even have the same feelings I do – “don’t look at me!”

Hubby doesn’t get it. He knows when I’m sad or depressed usually but he doesn’t have the magical answers to make me feel better. I know I shouldn’t rely on someone else to make me happy either, what’s that saying – happiness begins within yourself or something? He doesn’t know why I’m feeling the way I am…..but of course neither do I sometimes.

I guess it’s just a whole mess of things really. It’s winter for a start which means I don’t even get to see the sun a lot of the time, and of course when the sun does show it’s face, I’m stuck in the stupid office. By the time I finish work, the sun is going down. I know sunlight is an important part of how people feel. Also, I’ve just gotten over another stupid chest infection, thankfully nowhere near as bad as the pneumonia. Bills. Bills never help. Money stress sucks. Trying to sort out my stupid tax return so the IRD don’t sting me. Stress over that. Big stress. Trying to save money for our holiday in October. Wanting things I can’t have right now (car, house etc) and being jealous over people that do have them. Not enough time in the day to get everything done that needs doing around the house, spending time with the family and trying to have some ME time as well. That one is damn near impossible. The only me time I’m really getting is when I’m on facebook, or sewing! And that isn’t really me time, it’s more – trying to make us some extra money time. It’s not like I’m actually making things for me, or for our house etc….it’s all about trying to sell. And to be honest, sometimes I just feel like giving up and just making it a hobby. Making whatever I want, whenever I want. and if someone doesn’t like it, who cares. But I can’t just give it up. It’s important. And sometimes the things in life that are important, are the hardest. I just need some “stickability” – which I feel I already have quite a bit of, considering I’m still married! (as a side note by the way, we are actually doing pretty well in that respect – going out to the movies a few times by ourselves, treating each other  better etc..)

BUT I’m feeling very lonely lately. And not knowing what to do with myself. Getting very frustrated at the hubby and daughter, especially when they aren’t doing the things I’ve asked fast enough. But nothing ever seems to please me. I just want to say FUCK THE WORLD. But the world seems to fuck me right back. I’ve been so impulsive buying things. Fabric. I can’t seem to stop buying it. Even when I’ve spent sooo much money lately and people just aren’t buying stuff off me. I just spent like $200 buying some in from the US. And I bought a set of DVD’s that I’ve wanted for ages…they were a really good bargain. but still. I’ve got bills coming out my ears. Daycare. Car repairs. Doctors bills. The normal rent, power, internet, insurances. Food. I swear we are going to go broke buying food. I just want to be able to have our own house but we are NEVER going to get there the way we are going!! I hate it! And yet I can’t seem to stop us from buying things. It’s not an instant gratification either, I will buy something and be like YAY for a minute and then good old buyers remorse comes around to kick me in the ass. Especially when I tell off hubby for buying something and then I go right ahead and buy what I want! So not cool. Sex….is a nothing for me at the moment. Don’t want it, don’t want to think about it. Totally turned off to everything. Which is also frustrating me. I wish I could just enjoy it and do it all the time.

I dunno. I just feel like everything I do lately is a waste of time and everything is hopeless. I spent all day the other day trying to sort out my IR3 tax returns….only to send them in and then realise I hadn’t done a form that was meant to go with them and now means I fucked up the whole return and am now having an appointment with an accountant tomorrow to try and sort it out!! Yeah like I can afford that, but I have got to get that stress under control. The house is a fucking pigsty and I just cannot be bothered anymore. The amount of times I have asked hubby to get off his computer and do something, even just getting rid of his dinner scraps on his plate, or putting his towel away after his shower, or getting H another drink..and he says “yeah in a minute”. Well that minute is the longest minute in the history of the world. Eventually I either ask him again or just give up and do it myself. But in also saying that, I’m just as bad at the moment. I cannot be bothered cleaning most of the time, although I did have a random spurt the other weekend where I cleaned out one of our freezers and cleaned the bathroom….probably the most I have done in awhile. Which is sad. And fucking lazy. What the hell are we doing….we are teaching our child super bad habits. God there is so many things I wish I could change about myself and my life but I just have no idea where or how to start. Sleep might be nice for a start. I hardly got any of that last night with H coughing most of the night….actually I can’t remember when I had a full night’s uninterrupted sleep.

I was driving the other day and all of a sudden it’s like I just tuned out. I just turned on the autopilot it seemed, and was driving automatically without even thinking about it. And yet I just wanted to keep driving and see where I ended up, without a purposeful place to go. I was meant to be getting the groceries and going home but suddenly I just didn’t want to. I thought about driving to the beach and just walking for hours and not telling anyone where I was going.

This is going to sound crazy. But lately every time I’ve been driving by myself, particularly at night time, I find myself eyeing up power poles or big trees. I feel so tempted to just swerve into them. The other day I was driving and I was so intent on watching for a good one that I crept over into the other lane by accident.   Luckily there was no one around at the time. I even picked out a perfect pole, with a huge tree right behind it….right in front of the hospital which is rather hilarious…..in a twisted way. I want to crash into one, yet want to do it in front of the hospital so I have the best chance of not dying because the doctors are right there….how fucked up is that lol.

I was crossing the road the other day and I had to wait for some cars to go past and I thought…just walk out. I didn’t obviously. And I haven’t because I don’t want to fuck up anyone else’s life. It’s one thing to destroy your own life, but for the other person who is the one who hits you with their car, or finds you crashed into a tree, or even your family  left behind….nah I can’t do that to anyone. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel like it though. The funny thing is as well as affecting someone elses life, the other reason that I haven’t done anything about it is because I’m too scared of dying. I want that release and escape, but I don’t want it to be so final, if you know what I mean. The other weird thing is, even though I have had all of this on my mind, I haven’t been self harming at all….Normally that would be my first go-to, but it hasn’t even been on my agenda for a little while. Very weird and not like me. Not sure how long that will last.

Yes I am aware I sound very crazy and depressed.  Maybe I am. Maybe I just have been all along and haven’t managed to climb out of the hole yet. Maybe the way out is further away than I thought.

Well, at least I’m still here anyway.  I feel like I need to get drunk. Which in itself is probably the start of the next cycle. I always seem to do that…..a couple of drinks on one weekend, which turns into a drink every day for awhile, self harm returns for awhile, then I stop both for a few months. I guess pressure mounts up and I need a fix again. Now I sound like an alcoholic lol, which I’m not. Well…whatever helps at the time, right? One day at a time. Breathe.

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