The C word.

My brother has liver cancer. Today he starts 24 weeks of chemo. He will probably need a transplant. And I feel horrible just thinking about it.

He is my younger of two older half brothers from my dad. He was like 12 when i was born, and he was my best buddy until I was about 4 when he moved to Australia to live with his aunty. Since then, i have seen him once, back in 2002 when I went over on a school trip. Once in 24 years.  My parents went over to visit him last year, that was the first time they had seen him since he left as well. We went for years without even hearing from him, without knowing whether he was alive or dead or in jail. He got into a bad crowd over there and was on drugs and stuff and people were after him in a bad way, and as far as I know he wasn’t allowed to leave the country. I don’t really know exactly what went on…my parents don’t exactly tell me a lot, so I’ve heard snippets of conversation over the years. My parents grew capsicums for a living and we never had much money, so trips were pretty much out of the question, even if they had been in contact and knew where to find him. Then a couple of years ago, he got in contact again. Things had changed for the better. Him and dad made up which was fantastic, and I’m so glad they got to spend some time together.

I hate the fact that I’ve missed out on so much time with him. All my life he’s been “gone”. I wanted to see him so badly but couldn’t. And now he has cancer and is very sick. And I don’t want him to be gone for real. I’m scared of missing out on more…what we could have had all this time. I’m thinking about getting our passports sorted and taking a trip over to see him, just in case. I want him to meet my daughter and husband. I want to say to him all the things I haven’t been able to say in the past. And now I may lose him to cancer? Fuck that.

Cancer sucks.

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