There is a constant battle going on in my head. Unlike other wars such as WWII, I can’t put a start date on when war was declared. It’s been going on for awhile. Some days the white flag goes up and there is a temporary surrender. Other days it’s a full on raging battle with cannon fire in all directions, and no medics in sight. I didn’t ask to be a part of this war. I didn’t join the lines of eager young men waiting to enlist. I don’t want to be here. I want to be safe at home. But wait…home is my battlefield. And I’m not entirely safe there.
I let some of the secret out on friday. I had a catch up with some of my good friends and I ended up telling them most of what has happened in the past couple of years with the depression and cheating etc. They were pretty shocked. One of them asked if maybe I was bipolar. I didn’t tell them about the self harming though. I felt like I had shared enough. It wasn’t entirely a relief telling them. I do feel slightly better but at the same time I’m now wondering what they think of me now, knowing all I’ve done and that my brain is screwed up.
Last night was not a good night for me. The cannons were out in full force. No white flag to be found. I’ve been pretty emotional and ragey lately and last night it came to a head. I’ve been feeling pretty ignored by hubby as he has been playing a computer game and talking to a friend on skype or listening to music with his headphones, I go in to talk to him and he doesn’t hear me. H has been constantly watching movies and things like Dora on youtube in our bedroom where the computers are and I haven’t had the energy to deal with her, so I’ve been out in the lounge watching Greys Anatomy. Last night she was tired because she didn’t sleep at daycare. I said I was going to get dinner ready and when it was cooked I took it down to them…she was asleep on the bed and hubby was still playing his game with the earphones on. I got pretty pissed off at him. Then later when it was bedtime, H just WOULD NOT go to sleep. And I’m STILL in this stupid fucking routine of her lying on my lap to go to sleep. So we sat there for an hour and she still wasn’t asleep and I was crying and she kept asking for hugs from daddy. So I just said NO you are going to bed. Put her in her cot and she started screaming. I ended up going back in there, screaming at her to go to sleep, slamming the door and kicking another door shut, going out to the lounge and screaming and then collapsing on the couch in tears hugging my legs. Hubby ended up coming out to see what the hell was going on and I was just sitting there in a right old state, couldn’t look at him, could only yell I’ve had enough, I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to be a mum anymore, I want her gone. (What kind of person says that about their daughter?! A fucked up one, that’s what.)
I told hubby after we had gone to bed that I’m not in a good place right now and that I had self harmed the other week. He said he was sorry he had been ignoring me a bit. He said it was because of the job he’s on at the moment, he’s working so hard (which I know). He said things are going to change and that he will help me out more. Well I will wait and see.
It’s not just things like that that are sending me over the edge at the moment. I’m so irrationally anxious about Holly getting sick again. She’s got another cough at the moment and each little cough or hiccup or funny sound I’m immediately on edge waiting for her to throw up or something. My heart starts racing and pounding out of my chest and I can’t focus on anything. The other night she coughed quite a few times in her sleep and as soon as I heard her I was on edge and couldn’t sleep the rest of the night. Then I end up with an upset stomach after.
FUCK THIS. I don’t want to be in this place. Where the hell has my white flag gone? I want peace. I’m sick of war.
I think it may be time to call the doctor.