Winter Blues

So, I haven’t posted for a few days now. Have been in a pretty weird head space actually. I spent a couple of days last week feeling very emotional and started crying at the drop of a hat. And then started yelling at hubby & H for no reason. I’m almost feeling like I’m on the tipping point of heading down again. and I don’t know why. Apart from the fact that I seem to have no time to myself anymore and my child is constantly pushing all my buttons at the moment. She’s being a right little ratbag. and I have zero patience for it. She takes a hundred years to do anything I ask. She runs off and trys to avoid doing things like her nappy and brushing teeth. Meltdowns over the littlest things. Becoming very defiant and hitting me again when she’s being told off or is not getting her way. and I don’t know how to deal with it. WHY the hell isn’t there a manual for children?!!

Also H is sick again. A cold this time. She had a bad night the other night when she first got it, and woke up crying and coughing. I was in a deep sleep and woke up and immediately panicked. I didn’t realise she was getting a cold, my first thought was oh no its another tummy bug. And I literally went into full on panic mode. I had to sit up in bed and do some deep breathing for a few minutes because I started shaking. Not cool. And of course this was at 3am, and I couldn’t get back to sleep after that. Was constantly listening for every little noise. Then of course the night after that she had a cold by then, and woke up numerous times coughing. Had to get up to get her a tissue and a drink and then she wanted me to sleep with her. So cuddled up to her in her big girls bed (which she’s not yet sleeping in) and had to put up with snoring, knees in the back, little hands wanting me to hold them and then her flicking on my ear. This was of course on the night where I had to get up early for work the next day. Thankfully, she slept pretty well last night (either that or I was so exhausted I didn’t hear her).

Now I know for a fact, I could not cope with another child. Am really hoping that hubby is as ok with it as he says he is, because I just don’t think I can do this again. He said he really wants one more, a boy if he can, but that if I really don’t want more for now we will reassess in a few years. TBH I’m thinking this is IT. H will be an only child. And that makes me both happy, and really sad at the same time. I wanted her to have a brother or a sister, to play with, fight with, be best friends with eventually (hopefully) and have someone else around. What’s going to happen when hubby & I are old? H will be the only one looking after us, and when we die, she will be on her own. That really sucks. I didn’t want it to be this way. But with all the shit that has happened, that’s what it’s looking like will happen. And once again, I feel guilty. Maybe I could suck it up and have another child and hope that nothing bad will happen again. But I’m being selfish…I just don’t want to. Too much is on the line. My health. My marriage. My sanity. Not to mention it’s not like we are rich…we are doing ok getting by, but another kid might just tip the balance. Hubby isn’t qualified in anything, and although I  hate to admit it, he’s not the smartest cookie. I’m not qualified either, but I would probably be the one who would have to get qualified if I ever wanted to rake in the big bucks. But I don’t want to. I wish my sewing could become a full time job and we could earn enough off it because I love doing it. But I just never seem to have enough time, and compared to other people I sew slowly. But do a good job.

Yes, i will reassess how I’m feeling in a couple of years. But oh my gosh, I’m soooo thankful that the morning after pill worked and I’m not pregnant. I honestly would not have been able to handle it.

Maybe it’s the weather that’s been getting me down. We’ve had a week of constant heavy rain. We have had double our normal total June rainfall in a couple of days. It’s cold and gloomy. I’m stuck inside constantly at work, or stuck inside on the weekends because it’s too yucky to go outside. I miss the sunshine. and my house has turned into a “chinese laundry” i think that’s what people call it – when you have drying racks spread everywhere because you can’t get anything dry outside. Well stuff it. I’ve started using the dryer even though we don’t want expensive power bills, needs must and all that. I just don’t have the time or patience to deal with it otherwise. Like yesterday, I went home in my lunch break to finish off a sewing order and it was hot and sunny, so I put the clothes rack out with all of H’s very nearly dry washing on it. Went back to work. Half an hour before coming home it rained. Washing got soaked. And it all feels like such a waste of my time.

BUT then again, while I was at home doing the sewing I was sitting in the sunshine thinking about how lovely it was and how lucky I am to be alive. So weird. I don’t know what’s going on with my head and my emotions lately. I guess I can blame it on the weather, and the fact that it’s winter. the stupid thing is that I do love winter, it’s nice and cold so you can snuggle up in bed with an electric blanket, you can light the fire – and there’s nothing better than that. Hot chocolates. Soup. etc etc.

Seasonal depression….caused by not enough sunlight. Yeah. We will blame it on that. Because I don’t want to accept the alternative. I think I also need to look at my diet and how I’ve been eating lately. Far too many takeaways and junk food and not enough of the good stuff. That’s probably enough to make anyone feel down.

Anyway…so that’s where I’m at at the moment. not good but not bad either. Stuck in a bit of a rut. Hopefully short lived.

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