Failures

Failure is the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success”.

I feel like I’ve failed a lot of things in my life. Especially some of my more recent “mummy” failures.

WARNING – mega post alert! lol. and please bear with me, I know a lot of these things are highly irrational and not even worth worrying about, but hey, try telling that to my twisted brain.

  • My daughter is 3 and she still isn’t toilet trained. This is not due to her not being able to, it’s more my fault because I haven’t gotten around to it yet (read – can’t be bothered). Am totally sick of hearing snarky comments about this from both sets of her grandparents. If they are so worried about when she should be toilet trained, why don’t they do it themselves!
  • Following on from this….she is wearing disposable nappies. I always said I would put her in cloth ones and she would be trained early (like I was, cos I was such a good little baby :/ ). Yes, we did go for a few months where she did wear cloth ones when she was little, but honestly, it was just another thing I had to deal with…was time consuming and added to the mountain of washing I already had to deal with in a already full up shitty day. So needless to say we switched back to sposies. Fail. cue a million dirty nappies being sent to landfill. Guilt..
  • She goes to bed very late. And I’m not talking the late time of 8pm…..it’s more like 10-11pm. just before hubby & I go to bed. Still this is an improvement from when she was a baby and I couldn’t get her to go to bed until about 1am….thanks to my inexperience and lack of help. Fail. We try to get it earlier..it becomes more like 9pm for a week or so…but then it slides again. Both my hubby & I are lazy as hell. and unmotivated most of the time. and very much wanting the life we had before having a baby, so we still play computer games etc while H watches a movie at night, after dinner (if I ever get that early enough too, normally we are eating around 7.30-8). Then the time just slips away from us and by the time it’s bath, nappies, read books, deal with silly overtired 3 year old who never fails to push my buttons or stall going to bed “one more hug and kiss with daddy!!! waaaaahhhhh” etc…it becomes 10pm. Then we are tired and just go to sleep instead of having hubby & wifey time to ourselves. No wonder we had so many problems in our marriage.
  • I cheated on my husband. I never ever would have thought I would become “THAT” person. I used to be soo against people who cheated. Yet, I had a full blown affair.
  • I had previously cheated on him before we were married. More than once. What kind of shitty horrible person does that make me? And what kind of person would want to be with someone like that?? Who would put up with that kind of shit? My husband. An angel. I am on my very last chance though. If I stuff up again, I’m out-skies.
  • I wanted to leave. I even had most of my stuff packed up ready to go. Yet I couldn’t even do that right. I ended up having a big cry session with hubby and telling him everything and I stayed. Which incidentally didn’t turn out to be a failure, but probably the smartest thing I’ve done in years. 🙂
  • I couldn’t even grow a baby right. I got gestational diabetes and H was breech. 2 failed attempts at turning her around manually led to a very much unwanted caesarean. Which is partly where the PND stemmed from. Isn’t that what women are put on this earth to do? Have babies? And now I’m so very put off by the whole shebang that I don’t want another baby which makes me relieved and sad at the same time. At least I got the breastfeeding thing sorted (over 2 years worth!).
  • All I wanted was to be a stay at home mum. Or so I thought. But over the 2 years that I was, I completely and utterly lost the plot. Now that I’m back at work again I feel more fulfilled and happy. Weird. and another thing that makes me feel guilty. Like I would rather be at work than spending time with my daughter, who’s growing so fricken fast and learning so many new things. She will be at school in 2 years! and I feel like I’m wasting all my time with her!
  • I was going to go to university after finishing high school. I even won a type of scholarship for $2,500 towards my fees. I was going to study science. I pulled out 2 weeks before I was due to start. I ended up moving to Auckland anyway with hubby and getting a job. I don’t think that was the smartest idea….we had a lot of problems in Auckland that stemmed into a lot of the problems we still have today (namely the cheating).
  • I was a good student. Really smart. Yet I blew off half of the final year because I was more involved in my first proper boyfriend (hubby) to study. Instead of the A bursary I know I could have achieved, I got an overall B. THANKFULLY because my parents would NOT have been happy if I had got any lower…but to be honest, if I had got just a couple of marks lower it would have been what they call 3 C’s. Basically what all the slackers got. I was so mortified and upset with myself. I KNOW i could have done better. Not that the school marks matter in the long run, especially when i didn’t even end up going to university, but it was more of a personal achievement that I wanted to get, and I didn’t. My physics mark was a D.
  • I used to be a good saver. Before I met hubby I worked in the local supermarket and thanks to my parents teachings, I would save pretty much my whole wage. Once I met hubby, I blew most of my wage each week on gas for his car so he could come and see me (he lived half hour away), alcohol and junk food etc. This hasn’t improved any over the past 11 years we have been together. I’m trying soooo hard to save money, but it’s hard when we have a credit card that needs to be paid and yet we seem to always find money for takeaways. or DVD’s. or new clothes. Yet I don’t seem to have enough warm winter clothes! or socks!!
  • I have a friend in Canada who came over for a visit in my final year of high school. She then invited me to go on holiday to Canada for a couple of weeks/months. I was SO excited and really wanted to go if i could get the money together. Yet silly little me, didn’t end up going. Why? Because I was so into my boyfriend that I didn’t want to leave him, because he said if I went he wouldn’t be waiting around for me. The amount of times I’ve berated myself (and him!) over the last 11 years over not going isn’t funny. I should have gone. It would have been such a great experience! And if i didn’t go then, why didn’t i go overseas with the boyfriend the year after when we had moved to Auckland?? Instead of getting a job and being tied down, we should have gone travelling. The one thing I really want to do but now I’m really tied down and can’t afford it….and also don’t want to take H overseas until she’s a lot older. It is stupid, but I feel like I’m going to run out of time! and I’m not even 30 yet…
  • I SUCK at making friends. Most of my friends are still left over from high school (and live spread around the country, so not exactly close by). I’ve tried making some since leaving school, but man it’s hard! Especially when I’m shy and don’t know what to say to people so just clam up. (Social anxiety anyone?). I don’t even feel like I have a best friend anymore (hubby doesn’t count). Which REALLY sucks. I see all these people posting on facebook about how they always do things with their besties etc. I’m totally missing out. and it really hurts sometimes. It’s lonely. I want to have girly time, coffee dates, just some time to hang out and gossip. But I have to wait until our “once a year” meetups that we try and organise around our busy lives, with most of us married with kids now it doesn’t always happen.
  • I have all these amazing ideas (and material!) for my sewing business, but once again, Mrs No Motivation comes calling. Or Mrs Procrastination. or Mrs No Time Spare in the Day or Mrs Playthiscomputergamealittlelonger. I KNOW i could be doing so  much better, and earning a shit load more money. So WHY can’t I just knuckle down and do it?! Probably partially because when i started doing the sewing, hubby was very critical of it and said it was a waste of time and money. He has had to eat his words a few times since saying that….but sometimes it’s very hard to find time to sew, when I have to look after our daughter when he’s too busy playing his computer games.
  • I am a shit housewife. The amount of times we have had takeaways in the past couple of months (years) is unbelievable. No wonder we can’t pay off our credit card, we are too busy spending all our money on takeaways! In this past 2 weeks alone we have had 2x McDonalds, Hell pizza, and roast. yikes. If we don’t cut this out fast we aren’t only going to be broke, but seriously unhealthy too. What is this teaching our child?! I never bake anymore (due to the Mrs’s coming visiting in previous post). I hardly clean except when the place is a pigsty or when people are coming to visit. MIL looks after H on thursdays and fridays while I’m at work all day and she ends up doing our dishes or vacuuming for us! SHAMEFUL. (even though she is a clean freak).

Ok. I’m going to end this for now. I think that’s enough fails for one day. and probably more than your eyes can bear to read hahaha.

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2 Responses to Failures

  1. riannehinton says:

    You’re not a failure just because you mess up. Everyone does, no matter how sparkly and perfect they try to make their lives seem. We’ve all got skeletons in the closet. The last time I had McDonald’s was today. I suck at making friends too. And the grades I’ve gotten in some of my classes are horrendous, even though I’m reasonably smart, just lazy. I guess I say these things to make you feel a little less alone, or so I hope. But they do always say, admitting to the problem is the first step. You’re doing alright. (:

  2. mummyH says:

    Thanks, always good to hear you aren’t the only one. Yep lots of skeletons in there who are trying to get out! And I’m gonna let them. I don’t need skeletons in there any more…I want more room for clothes! hahahaha 😉

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