Not all there yet

I’d like to have thought that I have recovered fully. But DO you ever fully recover from something like this?? or is depression always going to rule your life, always going to be a part of you that you can’t shed.

I’ve been doing a lot of blog reading the past couple of days, and a lot of what I’ve read has resonated with me. I can relate to so much of it. Not only about past feelings, but things that I’m feeling now too. Which leads me to think that I’m still not right. I think I don’t just have depression, but anxiety too. Not serious…but enough to matter.

Yesterday my daughter had a bit of a tummy bug. Now i have a major phobia about people throwing up. This was NOT good news to me. By the time i got home from work and my MIL brought her home, I was almost having a full blown panic attack. I was tense, my hands were shaking, I was wandering around wondering what to do with myself, I was on the verge of tears. Hubby told me to have a shower and see if that calmed me down. It did slightly…but all night I was on edge. Waiting for her to be sick. Waiting for myself to lose the plot. Waiting to see if that funny feeling in my stomach was from me getting sick, or from the effects of the morning after pill, or just because I was just plain nervous. Not a nice feeling. Hubby kept telling me to calm down and relax and not to worry about it. It’s easier said than done to just shut your brain off! He just doesn’t get how I feel when I’m like this. He doesn’t understand why I feel like that. I don’t even understand why. If I don’t understand, how the hell can I make someone else understand?!

The other thing I hate about this is that I once again feel like I’m not cut out to be a mum. If I can’t handle my kid getting sick, what was the point in getting pregnant in the first place? Everyone knows kids get sick. And it’s not pretty. I feel guilty feeling this way too because I think of all the parents with kids who are REALLY sick, like with cancer, or like one of my friends daughter’s who has biliary atresia and had to have a liver transplant on her 1st birthday! THEY are the ones who have it rough. And here’s me complaining over a stupid tummy bug?!

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like I would have been better off not being a mum, just keeping it me and hubby. Is that selfish or what?! I feel sad for my daughter. She is the innocent one here. It’s not her fault her mum can’t handle it. I feel so guilty that some days I would rather be at work than with her because she’s sick. Or she’s too much work. Or I just need time out to get away. I’ll say it again – Guilt sucks.

One day, maybe I’ll tell her. Maybe when she has kids of her own and she might be able to understand better. Or, i dunno. Is that selfish of me? Will that just make her feel crappy? as if I’ve placed all the blame on how I’m feeling on her. Gah. Why is life so hard sometimes.

The other stupid thing is, I’m getting all hung up on this PND stuff. It’s actually much much more than just post natal depression. I had depression even before I was pregnant, so why blame it all on that? I think I need to go into my history a bit more. but that’s for another post.

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2 Responses to Not all there yet

  1. riannehinton says:

    Don’t beat yourself up. You’re human and you’re entitled to feel. You can’t even CHOOSE what you want to feel, and that’s okay. You don’t always get to. You have great perspective here. I’ve learned that sometimes you can’t trust your own mind, but sometimes parts of it are trying to look out for you. Those are the parts that are making you question yourself, I think. Don’t worry, you aren’t being selfish. Your brain is hard-wired to make things a little trickier for you. Does that suck sometimes? Absolutely. But I’m sure your daughter knows how much she’s loved. You’re doing great. Just breathe. (:

  2. mummyH says:

    Thanks Rianne 🙂

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