Risky business

I’ve never been much of a risk taker. I’m more of a “follow the crowd”, do the usual things type of girl. I feel as though most of my life has been a series of events I’ve done because I “should” or because it’s what others were doing….you know what I mean?

Like getting married and having babies for instance. That’s what everyone was doing at the time so naturally I wanted to follow along and be part of the gang. I still wish I had let it happen naturally instead of trying to force it…that maybe it would seem more special to me. I mean how special does a planned engagement proposal feel where you go to pick out a ring, tell him where you want to be proposed to etc? It doesn’t. Sigh. i really wish there were some things in my life that i could go back and do all over again, and take some risks instead of playing it safe.

I would have gone overseas when I had the opportunity. Even if it meant losing the boyfriend. Who, if he really loved me like he said he did, would have waited around. And again….when I had another opportunity, when I had no baby to tie me down, when we were earning a decent wage, why did we not save it and go overseas then? No…instead we rushed into getting married and having a baby, and now it just all seems to difficult.  BTW I’m not blaming our daughter for this, it was my choice to have a baby so I have to live with the consequences of all that followed.

I took a risk when I cheated on my husband (not the right sort though). And again when I chose to stay with him even though all my friends were telling me to leave. I’m glad I did. My life would have been even screwier then what it is already. Things between us are going really well now so that was one risk that is paying off.

This is MY life. I make the choices. Whether for good or for bad. Isn’t that how we learn from our failings and mistakes?

I want to start doing things more, taking more good risks. I’m not talking about going to jump out of an aeroplane or anything…but just everyday type things. Taking a random trip to the beach even though it’s not a very nice day. Buying something special like a nice block of cheese from the supermarket just because I really want it. Trying new things. Selling something that I think I can’t bear to part with but haven’t used in years. Trying something new with my sewing. Purchasing a new outfit from a secondhand shop, something that I wouldn’t normally wear but fall in love with.

DO MORE THINGS I LOVE. Spend less time worrying. Live my life how I want to, not how others want me to. If I want to wear red nailpolish, then dammit! Wear the red nail polish!!  Life is too short to waste. I’m sick of living with my regrets. I want to be able to say I’ve lived my life how I want. I did all the things in my life that I wanted to do. Even if I haven’t done them in the “right” order (who knows what that is anyway?!).

It’s a certain little girl’s third birthday party tomorrow. I took a risk. I invited some of her friends from daycare. At least 2 of them are coming, one is her bestie, and I hope to become good friends with her mum who seems lovely. I am making a special cake. Another risk – i’ve never worked with fondant before so am hoping it turns out alright (that’s my mission tonight).

Sometimes it’s the little things that matter the most.

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