Backtracking

So after I posted that last post, I realised that I hadn’t actually posted about being pregnant before.

Well it was in November that I saw J. Spent the day with him, had an awesome time, went out for lunch, and had sex for hours. Something happened with the condom, not sure if it fell off or whether he took it off, but at the end it wasn’t there, and of course it was at the wrong time of the month and I ended up getting pregnant. It was weird. It was like I knew it right away. It was as though I could feel something there. I had sore boobs. I had intense cravings for marinated mussels and camembert. I HAD to go to the supermarket and buy mussels. I ate like half the container. The next morning as soon as I woke up I HAD to have them for breakfast. Even when I was pregnant with H I never had cravings that intense. But a few days later I got my period. But unlike normal ones where i only get a few mild cramps, this was intense. All night long I was in super pain, panadol wouldn’t touch it. I almost took myself down to A&E because it was that bad. I didn’t tell DH at the time because I didn’t want him to know. He does know now though. It was really early on, but I know there was something there. And no matter how early it was, it was still going to be a baby.

I would have been due around the 14th August. Which has just gone.

At the time I was soo emotional about it. Because I really wanted it. Now whenever I think about it, I still have that pang of heart break but it is not as bad. I can’t stop but think about what might have been. I did tell J about it as well, not at the time because I couldn’t get hold of him, but I told him a couple of months later. He actually didn’t say much about it. Which also pissed me off. Because to me it was a huge thing!

But yeah. That’s what happened. and no matter how much it was a mistake, I still miss what that baby might have been.

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