UnHappy New year

Well. Happy new year to you. Hope the holiday season treated you well.

 

Things aren’t so great here. To be perfectly honest if someone was to offer me a ticket back to my “old life” I would take them up on it right now. I thought this was my dream, I thought I would love being a mum, but more often than not lately I have been really hating it. Don’t get me wrong, I do love H to pieces, and I know i’m lucky to have her but fark she is PISSING ME OFF. Theres not a single day lately that I haven’t yelled at her or wished that I could just leave.

 

I’m tired. I’m sick to death of her getting sore tummies/farts. Sick of having to feed her to sleep because it’s the only way she will sleep. Lately she hasn’t even been sleeping that great, getting up heaps in the night and not going to bed until late. last night I got about 6 hours sleep, total. I know that isn’t as bad as what some people have to deal with, but when its in little bursts it is so draining!

 

I just feel like everything i’m doing is wrong and i have no idea what i’m doing or how to fix it.

 

I just wish there was a magical person who could come and help me put my life back together  because i have no idea where to start.

 

I want to start properly enjoying having H instead of wondering if I did the right thing having her. Have been thinking about that heaps lately, about what I have done with my life, and I feel like I have done all the wrong things or done things back to front. I wish i had waited a bit instead of rushing into having H. I think if i could do it all over again i would go overseas and maybe get a good job first and have her in my 30’s, although then i guess it wouldn’t be H though would it!

 

and it’s hard because everyone I mention any of this to is just like oh yeah mine were worse, you are lucky, it’s just part of being a mum, blah blah blah. i don’t freaking want to hear that. it isn’t helping me at all!!

 

I just have no idea where to begin. I’m lost. i know i just need to get her sleeping sorted because its the main problem, but i can’t because of her farts, which is probably partly caused by little sleep, and round and round we go in this stupid fricken cycle!

 

I’m just sick of being so angry and frustrated all the time. I didn’t used to be this person. where has the old me gone and how can i get her back?

 

And as for having any more kids, the thought just scares the crap out of me right now. not the pregnancy/birth part, but the actual baby part. DH says he wants one more, probably in like 5 years, but at this stage i just don’t know if i will be able to do this again. and that sucks because i always wanted a couple of kids. but i hate feeling like this. and i don’t know if my sanity is worth it.

 

Speaking of my sanity, i’m still breastfeeding and am proud to say that H has never had formula. not that there is anything wrong with formula feeding, but i just never wanted to do it. lately however i have been wondering if i should change my mind and start doing it sometimes, just to get a bit of a break. BUT I don’t want to give MIL and SIL the satisfaction because thats what they have been saying to me for ages, and I want to do things MY WAY not what they tell me to do. ARGH.

 

When will this ever get easier?! Never i suppose…..and thats part of being a mum….yeah whatever. sigh. I’m just over it right now.

 

anyway. end rant for today.

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2 Responses to UnHappy New year

  1. email me hunnny!! Id fly up there if i could!!

  2. Lisa says:

    I promise it does get easier, then it gets harder, then it gets easier, and harder but those moments where you feel so much love and adoration will come and they will make some of this pain worth it. The old you is still there but she’s a little different now, and with time she will feel better again. I know you can do it. It makes me sad reading this as I could have written it myself at various times over the last year and there’s no easy fix but all I can tell you is I am slowly but surely feeling better all the time and it will get easier, she will start to sleep and you will start to feel like you can manage it all. Hugs

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