Ok. So we are now 9 weeks on. Obviously the ECV didn’t work and I had to book a caesar. Which was totally freaking me out at the time. But in actual fact it wasn’t as bad as what I was expecting. The first day was pretty crappy as I was zonked on the morphine, but once I decided not to take anymore it got a bit better. Although the first night was crap. I dropped my call buzzer. On the floor. and I couldn’t move. Bubs started crying and I couldn’t do anything. This was the middle of the fricken night and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t reach over and get her, I couldn’t call for a nurse, all I could do was sit there and cry with her. That was horrible. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and no one was coming in to check on us, so I finally worked out how to lower the bed and i scooched over to the side and managed to grab the buzzer. what a relief it was when a nurse came in and calmed her down!
The next morning they got me up and I had a shower. That was weird, trying to stand up and having someone else washing me. But the shower was sooo good. I felt slightly human again. But walking was pretty hard. oh and I had to learn how to go to the loo again after they took the catheter out. That was fun….. :S
The first couple of days were pretty crap, because I was trying to get breastfeeding sorted and the nurse that was looking after me was to be honest, a bit of a pushy bitch. She kept telling me I was doing it wrong, and trying to get me to do all these different holds, which was totally uncomfy for me. I think it was the second night that was pretty crap. H was crying and wanting to feed most of the night. So I was pretty hormonal. And then the next morning that nurse was really pushy and i just started crying and couldn’t stop. Almost felt like giving up, but I didn’t. That day they moved me into another room because they needed mine for more caesar patients, so I got moved into a shared room. Luckily that night I didn’t have to share with anyone which was great. Then the next day someone else came in the room so I decided to go home.
The first night at home was ok but then the next night was crappy so we got my MIL to come in and stay with us. I was in quite a bit of pain and really emotional and sleep deprived. DH got quite a shock because I had been slightly used to it all at the hospital and then when H came home it was hard for him.
Anyway we got through the first month which everyone says is the hardest. She started smiling at 4 weeks. Which was totally awesome. And made everything better. To be honest things are a bit of a blur, I cant remember what happened when. But around 5 weeks she started sleeping through the night – from around 11pm until about 7.30. I thought it was a fluke at first, but aside from about 4 days, since then she has done it every night. Although now it is more like 1am until about lunchtime. which is awesome. it means that most of the day/evening I am sitting down feeding her, but hey, if it means that I get that great sleep then it is all good.
Things have become rather strained between DH & I though. We haven’t had sex since before H was born. We fight all the time. I’m constantly pissed off with him and everything he does. He doesn’t help with H as much as what he used to, he used to go and change her nappy all the time without me asking him to, now its quite annoying because i have to ask him about 5 times before he does anything. I almost feel like we are really growing apart, and that I don’t love him as much as what I used to. I dunno, it’s just totally different. I knew things would change between us, I just didn’t expect this. The other day I was so pissed off that i just felt like leaving. But I know I can’t do that. I just have to grin and bear it for awhile and hopefully things will get better.
I think he’s just annoyed because we can’t go out and do things like we used to, like randomly go for a walk on the beach, or go to the movies etc. We want to go and see the new harry potter movie which i have been dying to see, but don’t want to take H with us, but she has been feeding a lot lately (I’m feeding on demand) and I haven’t expressed yet and don’t know if she would take a bottle. So we are a little stuck unless I get a pump, and i don’t know if i can afford it right now.
But also I don’t know if it was just having a baby that has changed things, things have been pretty weird between us for the last couple of years I think. And they are just getting weirder.
If i’m going to be completely honest here, I don’t know if we should have kept things going back when we cheated on each other. I think maybe we should have just called it quits. But then I guess I wouldn’t have H and I wouldn’t give her up for anything.
I guess some of this is just part of being a new parent? It’s probably a bit like this for everyone. I dunno. Anyway, I should go. DH is hovering around and I don’t want him to see this. Laters 🙂