Meltdown

Ok, so things are getting to me a bit. Spent most of yesterday afternoon crying. I know pregnancy hormones are a bitch but jeez. I’ve got so much on my mind at the moment I don’t know whether i’m coming or going!

It seems to be all the little things setting me off at the moment, but they are all part of a bigger picture. Like yesterday I really wanted a glass of choc milk. But we had no milk. And not much groceries. And the car had no gas to get the groceries. And we have no money to put gas in said car. So DH walked down to the dairy and got a bottle of milk. He got the Meadowfresh one, which we haven’t bought in months because it is way more expensive than the cheaper brand. So because he spent like an extra dollar on milk that made me cry. Then the fact that once I had my drink he proceeded to drink 2 large glasses of milk himself and we now have under half a bottle of milk to last the rest of the week set me off. Especially because milk helps my heartburn! and when we have none it’s such a pain in the ass!!

Then of course because we didn’t end up getting the groceries we had no veges because we used them up in a stirfry the other night. And of course I wanted to have a healthy dinner because I had had a bad sugar level reading after lunch. Went through everything in the cupboard and couldn’t find anything I felt like. Combo of not knowing what I felt like + being really hungry + knowing that the rest of the week is going to be the same = more crying. I looked like a wreck lol.

Add to that I’m having to worry about every bit of food I’m putting in my mouth and whether or not it’s going to give me a bad reading which I then have to tell the diabetes doctors which they note down and will ultimately decide whether or not I get induced….= ARGH!!! I’m still letting myself have little treats (in moderation) so I don’t go completely bonkers, but after I eat anything “bad” I always feel really guilty. But the stupid thing is that I’m getting bad readings from random things! Like yesterday’s lunch was 8.1, supposed to be under 7.5. Lunch was a piece of home made pizza and 2 home made sausage rolls plus a glass of apple juice. I have had juice with meals and it has not affected me so far, so maybe it was the sausage rolls?? But that seems rather random… Man it’s so hard trying to find what you want to eat when you are restricted! But I shouldn’t complain. I’ve got it so easy compared to some people, like one of my friends who also has GD. She basically can’t eat anything with sugar, like not even fruit and stuff! I feel bad complaining, but it really is a pain. And having to remember to test your blood all the time after meals, and not eating anything for an hour is a pain too. and I really don’t want to get induced!

Furthermore, we never seem to have any spare money. I’m in desperate need of a new bra. I only have one that I can wear at the moment, it doesn’t have underwire and I have had it for about 3 years now. The elastic band has just about gone in it and it is so loose on me. But it’s the only one I can actually wear, all my wire ones are just way too tight and sore now. But we never seem to have any spare money so i can go and get one! Not to mention I guess I will need some maternity bra’s, which aren’t exactly cheap! Then there’s the socks that have holes in them, the undies that are barely held together anymore, the having to wear pantyliners all the time (not cheap either), the couple of pairs of clothes I have had to buy because nothing else fits me anymore. I can’t just go out and buy something for myself anymore! I know it’s going to be like this for awhile now with the baby and all, but I’m over it! Especially because DH thinks he can still go out and buy little things here and there for himself (stupid things mostly), and I can’t even get a new bra?! It’s not fair. But every time i say something to him he always flips his lid and says that he earns his money fairly and he should be allowed to treat himself etc etc. Yeah ok fair enough, but what about me? What about saving some money? This never happens! and I’m the one trying to save money on my stupid little 3 day a week income. So that isn’t happening at the moment either.

Not to mention the bloody cost of food and gas is just going up and up and up. When will it stop?! It’s not like our wages are going up in relation to all the added costs…so somehow we have to pull extra money out of our asses to try and pay for everything, I don’t know how we are going to keep doing it. Especially when I stop working, it’s going to get so hard. DH doesn’t earn a lot, especially now that he is only working 3 days a week (his choice – he went for another part time job but the boss was a bit of a dick and the job wasn’t actually what was advertised, and he was being paid minimum wage etc etc so he left). and DH doesn’t want to go back to working for his dad full time, so he is working a little bit on the weekends to make up some hours, but it is not what he should be getting. and me with my rather large pay cut when I went down to 3 days a week…

I’m just soo stressed all the time. and I know that isn’t good for bubs, and I’m trying to forget it all and not worry, because I know there are people out there way harder up than what we are, but it’s not easy putting it to the back of my mind all the time. I hate complaining about it too because I know its not just us, everyone is going through it too, and I know there are heaps of things that we could do to tighten our belt and save some money blah blah blah. It’s just hard. and being pregnant and hormonal sucks even more. and then I worry because I don’t want to go back to work and I don’t want to be forced to go back just because we need a bit more money, I want to spend the time at home with my girl! Because I know i will regret it if I don’t. but no one seems to understand that.

Ugh.

I’m sure this isn’t all of my rant, but I don’t think I can write any more now because I’m getting worked up again. Probably helped by the fact that I had damn little sleep last night. And I have heartburn again. Rarr. I’m glad its raining today, suits my mood perfectly.